Jewish Grandma

A little old Jewish grandmother gives directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife:
"You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in apartment 3A. There is a big panel at the door. With your elbow push button 3A. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow hit 3. When you get out, I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all those buttons with my elbow?"
"You're coming empty-handed?

Assign The Punishment

Three guys found themselves in Hell: we will call them Carl, Bob, and Brett, they were a little confused at their present situation, and they were startled to see a door in the wall open, and behind the door was perhaps the ugliest woman they had ever seen. She was 3'4", dirty, and you could smell her even over the Brimstone. The voice of the Devil was heard, "Brett, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Brett was whisked through the door by a group of lesser demons to his torment. This understandably shook up the other two, and so they both jumped when a second door opened, and they saw an even more disgusting example of womanhood gone wrong. She was over 7' tall, monstrous, covered in thick black hair,and flies circled her. The voice of the Devil was heard, "Carl, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Carl, like Brett, was whisked off. Bob, now alone, felt understandably anxious, and feared the worst when the third door opened. And as the door inched open, he strained to see the figure of ... Cindy Crawford. Delighted, Bob jumped up, taking in the sight of this beautiful woman, dressed in a skimpy bikini. Then he heard the voice of the Devil saying: "Cindy, you have sinned."

Jewish Birthday

A Jewish mother bought her son two pairs of socks for his birthday and, wishing to please her, he went upstairs to put a pair on. When he returned, his mother immediately said, ''You don't like the other pair?''