Great Lover

He: Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way.
She: Well, you succeeded!

Free Meat

Many years, a young woman entered the village butcher shop with a baby in her arms. She confronted the butcher with the news that the baby was his. "What are you going to do about it," she asked. The butcher thought about it, and offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.
The butcher marked the years on his calendars. One day, the teenager came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."
"I know," said the butcher, with a smile. "I've been counting too. When you take this parcel of meat home, tell your mother that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."
When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years. Then watch the expression on HIS face!"

How To Drive Your Wife Crazy

• Start asking her questions (don't mistakenly do anything) about cooking, cleaning, and laundry. Say, "I think it's time I learn to take care of myself. You know, just in case."
• Volunteer to cook for her. Make sure it's real greasy. Use every pot and pan in the house and be sure you spill and/or drop some of everything everywhere.
• While brushing your teeth, flick the toothbrush first at the sink and then at the mirror.
• Never ask her to get you something from the kitchen when she's in the kitchen. Let her spend a good 30 minutes in there and when she reaches the sofa with a sigh of relief say, "Will you PLEASE do me a big favor and get me a beer, my back is just killing me today.
• Be sure to load up all your pockets with tissues before you drop them in the clothes hamper. Leave yourself a trail of clothing, towels, dishes, and everything else you put your hands on. This will ensure you never lose your way.
• Wait until she's overwhelmed with work (Weekly Opportunity) lean in close and say, "Did you see how dusty the leaves on your house plants are?"
• Put on a TV program and them pretend to keep falling asleep. Wake up each time she tries to change the channel and say, "Quit it, you know how much I looked forward to watching this. Don't be so selfish."
• Wait until she is totally engrossed in a movie then tell her something is bugging you and you really need to talk about it. Be sure it's as stupid, boring, and long winded as you can make it.
• Wait until she's finally lost a few pounds on that diet. Start having uncontrollable urges for her favorite sin foods. (Most effective between 8-10 PM) When she repeatedly declines, stick it in her face anyway and say, "Oh, stop it! A little ________ isn't going to hurt you." Continue until all weight is regained. Then ask, "Hey, you've been on that diet a long time now, how much have you lost?"
• Keep calling her at work to find out what time she plans to get home and what she plans to make for dinner. Make sure your just not in the mood for whatever she's making.
• When the opportunity arises be sure to cut the grass in your brand new white sneakers.
• When you retrieve your clothes from the closet leave the hanger in place and pull on the clothing until the hanger is mangled enough to allow the article to slip off.
• Tell her something for the first time and act shocked that she didn't know about it. Pout and exclaim, "And you have the nerve to say I never listen to YOU."
• When you know she's grocery shopping, disappear! Come home just in time to watch her carry the last bag in. Grab the receipt and say, "I'll get the rest of it for you dear." Feign suprise when she says that's it. End with, "This is all you got for how much?"
• On the odd occasion you actually clean up a disgusting mess you made, use the best towels in the house.
• As your stomach grows just wear your pants lower and flop it over the waistband. Than brag that unlike your wife, you still wear the same size you did when you got married.
• Wait until the night before you go on vacation and say, "Hon, you know the underwear and socks you packed for me? Well the elastic is shot and I need new ones."
• Always leave the shower head at just the right angle to hit her in the face with that jet of cold water when she turns it on.
• When doing filthy jobs around the house be sure to wear your good clothes.
• Harass her into telling people a story and proceed to interrupt every other sentence with , No that's not what happened....
• Whenever something is ready to break make sure your wife is the next to use it. When it breaks, look at her and say, "What the hell did you do. I never had a problem with it."
• Whenever the dog, cat, or the kids are being cute they're yours. When they need something, they're hers.