Effective Ointment

Two friends are shopping in a drugstore when one of them tells the other, "My husband says this brand here is the most effective ointment for hemorrhoids on the market today." "How does he know this for sure though?" asked the other woman. "Because besides being my husband who thinks he's always right, he's also an asshole himself."

Mood Ring

I've had terrible mood swings lately so my husband purchased a mood ring for me.  The hope was that by monitoring the ring we would get some insights into my moodiness.  We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns bright green.  When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his fucking forehead.  Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.

World's Greatest Lover

Many a wife thinks her husband is the world's greatest lover. But she can never catch him at it.