What Really Pissed Me Off

A man walks into a bar and orders a double, obviously upset.
"What's the matter, buddy?" asks the bartender. "It's a long story. I met this beautiful woman who invited me back home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and were just about to make love when her goddamned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the edge by my fingernails without any clothes on!''
''Gee, that's tough!'' commiserated the bartender. ''Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated. When her husband came into the room, he wanted to have sex with her -- but he had to piss first. And the lazy son of a bitch pissed out the window right onto my head!" ''Yeech! No wonder you're in a lousy mood." ''Yeah, but I haven't told you what really really made me mad. Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished the husband tossed his condom out the window. And where does it land? On my goddamned forehead!'' ''Damn, that really is a drag!'' ''Oh, I'm not finished! See, what really pissed me off was when the husband had to take a dump. Turns out that their toilet was broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose right on my head!'' ''That would sure mess up my day." ''Yeah, yeah, yeah, but do you know what REALLY REALLY REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!''

Improving

Sam arrived home from work early one afternoon only to surprise his wife busily engaged with a midget in bed.  After chasing the rogue away, Sam liberally expressed his dismay to his wayward spouse. "I just don't know what to do with you!" he said, shaking his head.  We've talked about this over and over. We've spent hours with the marriage counselor. I was really starting to believe that I could trust you again.""I know, I know..." acknowledged the wife contritely. "But at least I'm cutting back!"

Eternal Optimist

Three friends had a good friend named Joe and he was, naturally, an eternal optimist. At every bad situation he would always say ''It could have been worse.'' His friends hated that quality about him, so they came up with a story so horrible that not even Joe could come up with a bright side.
So the next day, only two of his friends showed up for a golf date. Joe asked, ''Where's Gary?'' And one of his friends said, ''Didn't you hear? Yesterday, Gary found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned the gun on himself.'' Joe says,''Well it could have been worse.'' Both his friends said, ''How in hell could it be worse? Your best friend just killed himself!'' Joe says, ''If it had happened two days ago, I'd be dead now!''