Costco Memorial

A woman and her friend are sitting together having lunch after one of the women's husband's funeral service. The friend asks the woman if her husband had any life insurance, and the widow answered her. "Well, he had $35,000 in life insurance, but it is all gone."
"All gone?", the friend asks, shocked.
"Yes", said the widow.
"I don't understand", says the friend. "How did you already go through $35,000?"
"Well, it is really not as bad as you think," said the widow. "I had to pay $8500 for his funeral and burial, $500 was donated to the church for the service, $1000 was what I spent on his suit, and $25,000 was for the memorial stone."
Puzzled, the friend looks at the widow and said, "That must have been a huge stone for $25,000!"
The widow answered, "Yeah, 3 carats! It was a great deal, I got it at Costco."

Helicopter Ride

A man and his wife go to a county fair for 50 years and every year the man said he would love to go on the helicopter but his wife said £50 is £50. One year the pilot heard this and said if you don't make a sound on the flight you can ride for free. So the pilot did everything he could to make them make a sound even loop the loops and at the end the pilot said, "Congratulations you didn't make a sound." The man said, "I almost made a sound when my wife fell out but £50 is £50."

Computer Dating Service

A young lady visited a computer dating service and requested, "I'm looking for a spouse. Can you please help me to find a suitable one?" The matchmaker said, "What exactly are you looking for?" " Well, let me see. Needs to be good looking, polite, humorous, sporty, knowledgeable, good at singing and dancing. Willing to accompany me the whole day at home during my leisure hour if I don't go out. Be able to tell me interesting stories when I need a companion for conversation and be silent when I want to rest." The matchmaker entered the information into the computer and, in a matter of moments, handed the results to the woman. The results read, "Buy a television."