Stevie's Friends

Q: Why can't Stevie Wonder see his friends?
A: Because he's married

Wedding Toasts

• Marriage has driven more than one man to sex.
• Marriage is a ceremony that turns your dreamboat into a barge.
• Marriage is a mutual relationship if both parties know when to be mute.
• Marriage is a rest period between romances.
• Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
• Marriage is a trip between Niagra Falls and Reno.
• Marriage is an institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
• Marriage is better when both the husband and wife decide that what they have is better than what they are missing.
• Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Ergo...
• Marriage is like a hot bath. Once you get used to it, it's not so hot.
• Marriage is like a mousetrap. Those on the outside are trying to get in. Those on the inside are trying to get out.
• Marriage is like a violin. After the music is over, you still have the strings.
• Marriage is mind over matter; if the husband doesn't mind, it doesn't matter...
• Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.
• Marriage is the high sea for which no compass has yet been invented.
• Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
• Marriage is the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license.
• Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.
• Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of person your spouse would have really preferred.
• Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
• Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
• Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.
• Marriage still confers one very special privilege: only a married person can get divorced.
• Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, so are thunder and lightning.
• A best man's speech should be like a mini-skirt; short enough to be interesting, but long enough to cover the bare essentials.
• A chiseler is a man who goes stag to a wife-swapping party.
• A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present.
• A good husband is one who thinks almost as much of his wife as he does of himself.
• A good woman is like a good bar: liquor in the front and poker in the rear.
• A honeymoon should be like a table. Four bare legs and no drawers.
• A husband expects his wife to be perfect... and to understand why he's not.

30 Year Bliss

A husband and wife who are avid golfers have been happily married for 30 years, and on the day of their 30th anniversary they enjoy a wonderful day together. They have a delicious breakfast in bed, then proceed to one of their favorite golf courses. They play through to the 9th hole, both having an amazing game. The husband watches his beautiful wife tee off and feels a rush of emotion and guilt. "Honey, I have to tell you something. At the very beginning of our marriage, I was with another woman. It only happened once and I've been faithful ever since. It was a mistake and I hope you can forgive me." The wife looks fondly at him. "I forgive you. We've had a very happy life together. I love you." The husband is so relieved, feeling light as a feather. They play a few more holes in bliss when suddenly the wife turns to her husband. "Honey, I too have something to confess." The husband smiles and says, "Anything dear - you were so gracious to me, and we can make it through anything." "Before we met, I had an operation. I used to be a man." The husband throws his club down and starts swearing and kicking up turf. The wife is in shock. "But I forgave you for your secret!" The husband, red faced, turns to her and says, "All these years! All these years you've been teeing off from the ladies tee box you cheater!!"