Virginity

Concerned about her relationship, a woman approaches her doctor and says "Doc, I'm getting married this weekend and my fiancee thinks I'm a virgin, is there anything you can do to help me?" After the doctor stopped laughing, he says, "Medically, no, but here's something you can try...on the wedding night, when you're getting ready for bed, take an elastic band and slide it to your upper thigh, when your husband puts it in, snap the elastic band and tell him it's your virginity snapping." The woman loves this idea, and knows her hubby-to-be will fall for this. They have a beautiful wedding and retire to the honeymoon suite. The wife gets ready for bed in the bathroom, slips the elastic band up her leg, finishes preparing and climbs into bed with her man. Things begin to progress, her hubby "slips it in", she snaps the elastic band, and the hubby asks, "what the hell was that?" The wife explains, "oh nothing honey, that was just my virginity snapping." The husband cries out, "Well snap it again, it's got my balls!!"

First Sight

I'll never forget the first time I saw my husband. He was standing on a hill, his hair blowing in the breeze, and he was too proud to run after it.

Coffee is better than Women.

Why Coffee Is Better Than Women:
Coffee doesn't mind if you wake up at 3 AM and decide to have some. 
You won't get arrested for trying to buy coffee at 3 AM. 
Coffee never runs out. 
No matter how ugly you are, you can always get a cup of coffee.
You can always ditch a bad cup of coffee. 
When coffee gets old, you can throw it away.
Coffee is out of your system by tomorrow morning.
Coffee can be ready in 15 minutes or less.
White men can take black coffee home to their parents. 
Coffee doesn't complain when you put whipped cream on it. 
You can always heat up coffee. 
Coffee smells and looks good in the morning. 
If you put chocolate in your coffee, it doesn't put on weight.
Two words; INSTANT COFFEE !