Learn To Speak Southern

 BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow." Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."
JAWJUH - noun. A highly flammable state just north of Florida. Usage: "My brother from Jawjah bard my pickup truck."
MUNTS - noun. A calendar division. Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I taint herd from him in munts."
ALL - noun. A petroleum- based lubricant. Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."
FAR - noun. A conflagration.Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh doesn't change the all in my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far."
BAHS - noun. A supervisor. Usage: "If you don't stop reading these Southern words and git back to work, your bahs is gonna far you!"
TAR - noun. A rubber wheel. Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh doesn't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."
TIRE - noun. A tall monument. Usage: "Lord willing and the creeks don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."
RETARD - Verb. To stop working. Usage: "My granpaw retard at age 65."
RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege. Usage: "We Southerners are willing to fight for out rats."
FARN - adjective. Not local.Usage: "I cudnt unnerstand a wurd he sed ... must be from some farn country."
JU-HERE - a question. Usage: "Juhere that former Dallas Cowboys' coach Jimmy Johnson recently toured the University of Alabama?"
HAZE - a contraction. Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah ... haze ignert."
VIEW - contraction: verb and pronoun. Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City ... view?"
GUMMIT - Noun. An often-closed bureaucratic institution. Usage: "Great ... ANOTHER gummit shutdown!"

Redneck Night Before Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas And all through the trailer not a creature was stirrin' 'Cept a redneck named Taylor.
His first name was Bubba, Joe was his middle, and a-runnin' down his chin was a trickle of spittle.
His socks, they were hung by the chimney with care, and therefore there was a foul stench in the air.
That Bubba got scared and rousted the boys. There was Rufus, 12; Jim Bob was 11; Dud goin' on 10; Otis was 7.
John, George and Chucky were 5,4, and 3, the twins were both girls, so they let them be.
They jumped in their overalls, no need for a shirt, threw a hat on each head, then turned with a jerk.
They ran to the gun rack that hung on the wall. There were 17 shotguns and they grabbed them all.
Bubba said to the young'uns, "Now hesh up ya'll! The last thing we wanna do is wake up yer Maw.
"Maw was expecting and needed her sleep, so out they crept out the door without making a peep.
They all looked around, and then they all spit. The young'uns asked Bubba, "Paw, what is it?"
Bubba just stared, he could not say a word. This was just like all of the stories he'd heard.
It was Santy Claus on the roof, Darn tootin' but the boys didn't know; They was about to start shootin'!
They aimed their shotguns and nearly made a mistake that would have resulted in venison steak.
Bubba hollered out, "Don't shoot, boys!" That's Santy Claus and he's brought us some toys.
The dogs were a-barkin' and a-raisin' cain, and Bubba whistled, and shouted, and called them by name.
"Down, Spot! Shut up Bullet!  Quiet, Pete and Roscoe! Git, Turnip and Tater and Sam and Bosco!"
"Git down from that porch! Git down off that wall! Quit shakin the trailer, Or you'll make Santy fall!"
The dogs kept a-barkin' and wouldn't shut up, and they trampled poor Pete who was only a pup. 
Santy opened his bag, and threw out some toys.  Bubba got most, but left a few for the boys.
Since the guns had been dropped he just might not die.  He jumped in his sleigh, told his reindeer to hurry.The trailer started to wobble Santa started to worry.
Just as the reindeer got into the air, the trailer collapsed, but Bubba didn't care. He was busy lookin' at all his new toys.Then a thought hit him, And he said to the boys.
Go check on yer Maw, make sure she's all right.  That roof fallin' on her Could-a hurt just a might.
"But Maw was OK, and the girls were too.  They fixed up the trailer; It looked good as new.
And as for Bubba, he liked Old St. Nick, but Santa thought Bubba was a pure-in-tee hick!
Bubba had a nice Christmas, and the boys did, too. And the Taylors wish A Merry Christmas to you!

That Time Again

A highway patrolman wanted to set up a speed trap one day.  He got up on a hill behind a big billboard and sat.  He was there for about ten minutes with no radar action. Finally a car came by doing 85 M.P.H.  He put on the blue light and pulled the car over.  He said, "Sir, do realize you were doing 85 MPH?"  The driver said "Yeah, but ya' see, it's that time of the month for the Mrs. and I gotta get her some tampons."  The officer was sympathetic.  He just said, "How about slowing it down."  So the guy sped off.  A few minutes later, another car came by running 85 MPH  The officer gave him the blue light to.  Again, the same scenario.  The officer said "Sir, do you realize you were doing 85 MPH?"  The guy had the same story.  "Yes sir, but you see, it's that time of the month for the wife and I gotta get her some tampons."  This pissed the officer off but he couldn't give this guy a ticket and not the last one.  He said, "Just slow it down."  No sooner than he got back up in his speed trap, here comes another guy doing 95 mph. The officer put the blue light on, pulled him over and walked up to the window.  He looked at the guy and said, "Dammit, don't tell me it's that time of the month for your wife too!"  The guy responded, "No sir, that's just barbecue sauce."