You Might Be A Redneck If

You might be a redneck if...

• Any time your kids see a dog they get out their ropes, lasso it, and tackle it to the ground.
• Your master bathroom has the words "porta" and "potty" written on the side.
• You can't take a bath in the winter 'cause the stream is frozen.
• You only bathe when it rains.
• You think "Dueling Banjos" is classical music.
• You refer to the Surgeon General's Warning on a pack of cigarettes as your medical encyclopedia.
• You go to garage sales to shop for Christmas gifts.
• You're 42 and still have clowns come to your birthday party.
• You think 'possum is the "other white meat".
• Your husband spray paints the upholstery of your car to make it look new.

Hillbilly Math Education

A hillbilly family's only son saves up money to go to college. After about three years, he comes back home. They are sitting around the dinner table, when the dad says, ''Well son, you done gone to college, so you must be perty smart. Why don't you speak some math fer' us?'' ''Ok, Pa.'' The son then says, ''Pi R squared.'' After a moment, the dad says, ''Why son, they ain't teached ya nothin'! Pie are round, cornbread are square.''

Your Starship Captain Might Be a Redneck If...

1. Your shuttlecraft has been up on blocks for over a month.
2. He paints flames and a NRA sticker on the warp nacelles.
3. You have a shuttle called "Billy Joe Bob".
4. He refers to Klingons as "Critters".
5. He refers to Photon Torpedoes as "Popguns".
6. He has the sensor array repaired with a bent coat hanger and aluminum foil.
7. He installs a set of bullhorns on the front of the saucer section.
8. He says "Got your ears on, good buddy" instead of "open hailing frequencies".
9. He hangs fuzzy dice over the viewscreen.
10. He rewires his communicator into his belt buckle.
11. He keeps a six-pack under his command chair and a gun rack above it.
12. He says "Yee-Ha!" instead of "Engage".
13. He has a hand-tooled holster for his phaser.
14. He insists on calling his executive officer "Bubba".
15. He sets the fore viewscreen to reruns of "Bassmaster".
16. He programs the food replicator for beer, ribs, and turnip greens.
17. He paints the starship John Deere green.
18. He refers to a Pulsar as a "Blue Light Special".
19. He refers to the Mutara Nebula as a "swamp".
20. His moonshine is stronger than Romulan Ale.
21. He sings "Lucille" instead of "Kathleen".
22. His idea of dress uniform is CLEAN bib overalls.
23. He wears mirrored shades on the Bridge.
24. His idea of a "gas giant" is that big ol' XO Bubba after a meal of beans and weenies.
25. He sets phaser to "Cajun".