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Pet Resolutions
15. I will not eat other animals' poop.
14. I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.
13. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
12. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
11. I will no longer be beholden to the sound of the can opener.
10. Cats: Circulate a petition that sleeping become a juried competition in major animal shows.
9. Come to understand that cats are from Venus; dogs are from Mars.
8. Take time from busy schedule to stop and smell the behinds.
7. Hamster: Don't let them figure out I'm just a rat on steroids, or they'll flush me!
6. Get a bite in on that freak who gives me that shot every year.
5. Grow opposable thumb; break into pantry; decide for MYSELF how much food is *too* much.
4. Cats: Use new living room sofa as scratching post.
3. January 1st: Kill the sock! Must kill the sock! January 2nd - December 31: Re-live victory over the sock.
2. The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
AND the Number 1 New Year's Resolutions Made by Pets...
1. I will NOT chase the stick until I see it LEAVE THE IDIOT'S HAND!
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You Are No Longer Young
- You find yourself listening to talk radio.
- You daughter says she got pierced and you look at her ears.
- The pattern on your shorts and couch match.
- You fondly remember your powder blue leisure suit.
- You think Tragically Hip is when a middle-aged man gets a new sports car, hair piece and a 20 year old girlfriend.
- You criticize the kids of today for their satanic suicide-inducing music, forgetting that you rocked to Alice Cooper and Black Sabbath.
- You call the police on a noisy party next door instead of grabbing beer and joining it.
- You turn down free tickets to a rock concert because you have to work the next day.
- When grass is something that you cut, not cultivate.
- When jogging is something you do to your memory.
- Getting a little action means your prune juice is working.
- All the cars behind you flash their headlights.
- You remember the "Rolling Stones" as a rock group not a corporation.
- You bought your first car for the same price you paid for your son's new running shoes.
- You actually ASK for your father's advice.
- You know how to operate a fax machine.
- When someone mentions TWEETING you picture birds singing.
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This Guy Is Really Sick.
This guy and his girlfriend are fighting ... she says "I'm breaking up with you." "Why??" he asks. She says "because you are a pedophile". He says "Pedophile?????? Hmmmm that's an awfully big word for a 10 year old."
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