Arkansas Marriage

Q: How do you tell if an Arkansas girl is old enough to marry?
A: Make her stand in a barrel. If her chin is over the top, she's old enough. If it isn't, cut the barrel down a bit.

Dying Lawyer

A stingy old lawyer was on his deathbed. He instructed his wife to fill two large pillowcases with money thinking he could pick them up on his way to heaven. Several weeks after his funeral the widow found two pillowcases full of cash in the attic. "The old fool," she thought, "I knew I should have left them in the basement!"

Rejection Lines by Women

TOP 10 REJECTION LINES GIVEN BY WOMEN (and what they actually mean)
10. I think of you as a brother.. (You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance.")
9. There's a slight difference in our ages.. (I don't want to do my dad)
8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way.. (You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes on.)
7. My life is too complicated right now.. (I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.)
6. I've got a boyfriend .. (I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's)
5. I don't date men where I work.. (I wouldn't date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.)
4. It's not you, it's me.. (It's you.)
3. I'm concentrating on my career.. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)
2. I'm celibate.. (I've sworn off only the men like you.)
1. Let's be friends.. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It's that male perspective thing.)