New Weapon: The Chicken Gun

Flash - New Weapon in America's Arsenal - Dubbed 'The Chicken Gun' Senate majority leader Howard H. Baker Jr., expressed astonishment to the Senate, over recent news accounts of an Air Force "chicken gun." It seems the gun is a converted 20-foot cannon capable of hurling dead four-pound chickens at airplanes at 700 miles per hour. The armament is used to help find ways to reduce accidents caused by jets hitting birds. "My first reaction to this story was one of bitterness," Baker told colleagues. "I wonder why a 'special classified briefing' had not been set up for members of Congress on the new chicken gun and I wondered if Secretary of Defense Casper Weinberger was planning one." Baker also wondered aloud "how far along the Soviet Union is with the deployment of their 'chicken gun', and how will our Minuteman, Midgetman, and Sparrow missles get along with this new weapon." Baker went on to wonder if the Navy might be working on it's own version of 'the chicken gun', "which would be, one assumes, a 'chicken of the sea'." Baker congratulated the Air Force "on it's resourcefulness." "Despite the fact that there will no doubt be those that will be skeptical of such research, I for one, see nothing more involved than a little 'fowl' play," Baker replied.

Stupid Funny Quotes

1. "Things are more like they are now than they have ever been." --President Gerald Ford
2. "My fellow astronauts..."--Vice-President Dan Quayle, beginning a speech at an Apollo 11 anniversary celebration.
3. "Capital punishment is our society's recognition of the sanctity of human life." --Orrin Hatch, Senator from Utah, explaining his support of the death penalty.
4. "China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese." --Charles de Gaulle, ex-French President
5. "I stand by all the misstatements." --Dan Quayle, defending himself against criticism for making verbal gaffes
6. "Gerald Ford was a Communist" --Ronald Reagan in a speech. He later indicated he meant to say 'Congressman'.
7. "Outside of the killings, Washington D.C. has one of the lowest crime rates in the country." --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington D.C.
8. "We found the term 'killing' too broad." --State Department spokesperson on why the word 'killing' was replaced with 'unlawful or arbitrary deprivation of life' in its human rights reports for 1984-5
9. "This is a great day for France!" --President Richard Nixon while attending Charles De Gaulle's funeral
10. "This is the worst disaster in California since I was elected." --California Governor Pat Brown, discussing a local flood
11. "It's not listed in the Bible, but my spiritual gift, my specific calling from God, is to be a television talkshow host." --James Baker, televangelist.
12. "The chairs in the cabin are for the ladies. Gentlemen are not to make use of them till the ladies are seated." --Instructions posted in a river cruise ship, Suir River, Ireland.
13. "The exports include thumbscrews and cattle prods, just routine items for the police." --U.S. Commerce Department spokesman on a regulation allowing the export of various products abroad.
14. "What he does on his own time is up to him." --Harlon Copeland, Sheriff of Bexar County, Texas, when one of his deputies was caught exposing himself to a child.
15. "Facts are stupid things." --Ronald Reagan, misquoting John Adams in a speech to the Republican convention.

The Presidential Watches

A man goes to a jewelry store looking to buy a watch. He looks at a watch called "the George Bush Watch" and asks the sales clerk why there are no hands. The sales clerk says, "you are suppose to read his lips." He then looks at a watch called the "Ross Perot Watch" and notices that it isn't running - the sales clerk tells him "it runs, it doesn't run, it runs, it doesn't run..." He then notices a watch called the "Bill Clinton Watch" and sees that it runs, has hands and looks like a pretty good watch. He asks the sales clerk how much. The sales clerk replies "$19.95 plus tax, plus tax, plus tax, plus tax, plus tax..."