Political Jokes

Q: Why doesn't Obama like watching the ball drop on New Year's Eve?

A: It pretty-much sums up his accomplishments for the year.

Michelle Obama dies and goes to heaven, and she's in the waiting room to see Jesus.

There are clocks everywhere, not a single square inch of wall or ceiling doesn't have a timepiece. Some of them don't seem to be moving. St. Peter comes out and calls her name.

"I'm here" she says. "What's with all the clocks?".

St. Peter says "Everyone who has ever lived has a clock here. Every time they tell a lie, their clock moves forward by one minute. This is George Washington's clock. As you can see, it's one past midnight, so he only told one lie."

"Oh" Michelle said. "Where's my husband's clock?"

"That's in Jesus' office" St. Peter replies. "He uses that as a fan".

A son asks his father, "What can you tell me about politics? I have to learn about it for school tomorrow."

The father thought some and said, "OK, son, the best way I can describe politics is to use an analogy. Let's say that I'm a capitalist, because I'm the breadwinner. Your mother will be the government because she controls everything, our maid will be the working class because she works for us, you will be the people because you answer to us, and your baby brother will be the future. Does that help any?"

The little boy said, "Well, Dad, I don't know, but I'll think about what you said."

Later that night, after everyone had gone to bed, the little boy was woken by his baby brother's crying. Upon further investigation, he found a dirty diaper. So, he went down the hall to his parent's bedroom. He found his father's side of the bed empty, and his mother wouldn't wake up. Then, he saw a light on in the guest room down the hall, and when he reached the door, he saw through the crack that his father was in bed with the maid. The son then turned, and went back to bed.

The next morning, he said to his father at the breakfast table, "Dad, I think I understand politics much better now."

"Excellent, my boy," he answered, "What have you learned?"

The little boy thought for a minute, then said, "I learned that capitalism is screwing the working class, government is sound asleep ignoring the people, and the future's full of crap."

Q: What proof is there that Donald Trump is racist and sexist?

A: He beat a woman badly in his run for the presidency and threw a black family out of a white house.

After numerous rounds of, "We don't know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send Ted Kennedy a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. Kennedy opened the letter which appeared to contain a single line of coded message, 370HSSV-0773H. Kennedy was baffled, so he e-mailed it to John Kerry. Kerry and his aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. Noone could solve it at the FBI, so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA. With no clue as to its meaning, the FBI finally asked Marine Corps Intelligence for help. Within a few seconds the Marine Corps cabled back with this reply, "Tell Kennedy he's holding the message upside down."