Muslim Bookstore

The other day, I was walking through the mall and noticed that a new Muslim bookstore had opened. I wondered exactly what was in a Muslim bookstore so I went in. As I was wandering around taking a look, the clerk stopped me and asked if he could help me. I imagine I didn't look like his normal clientele, so I asked, “Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book on his U.S. Immigration Policy regarding Muslims and illegal Mexicans?" The clerk said, "Fuck off!  Get out and Stay out!"
I said, "Yes, that's the one. Do you have it in paperback?"

The Prayer Of A Sweet Little Old Lady

In church a sweet elderly lady was overheard saying a prayer. It was so innocent and sincere that I just have to share it with you:
"Dear Lord, this has been a tough four to five years. You have taken my favorite actor Patrick Swayze, my favorite musician Michael Jackson, my favorite Blues singer Amy Winehouse, my favorite actress Elizabeth Taylor, my favorite singer Whitney Houston, and now my favorite author Tom Clancy. I just wanted you to know that my favorite politicians are Barack Obama, Joe Biden, Nancy Pelosi, Barbara Boxer, Diane Feinstein, Debbie Wasserman-Schultz and Harry Reid.
Amen.”

Big mix-UP

One day, there was a plane that crashed. On it, was Bill Clinton and an extremely religious guy named Phil who's only wish was to meet the Virgin Mary.   Bill and Phil both died. Heaven and Hell got all mixed up that day, so the religious guy went to hell and Bill went to heaven, but only for about 20 minutes.  On their way back, they bumped into each other and Phil said, "Oh, my ONLY hope in the world is to see the Virgin Mary".  Bill Clinton replied,  "Sorry buddy, you're 15 minutes late!"