Some Words of Wisdom

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.
Your kid may be an honor student, but you're still an idiot.
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat?
Few women admit their age and few men act theirs.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
LOVE: Two vowels, two consonants, and two fools.
According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.
Some people are alive only because it is illegal to kill them.
Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
Forget about world peace...Visualize using your turn signal.
WARNING: Dates on calendar are closer than they appear.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
We have enough youth. How about a Fountain of Smart?
Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
LOTTERY: A tax on people who are bad at math.
PURITANISM: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
CONSCIOUSNESS: That annoying time between naps.
We are Microsoft. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.
There are 3 Kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't.
Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
Ever stop to think, and then forget to start again?
DIPLOMACY: The art of saying "nice doggie!" until you can find a rock.
Lead me not into temptation...I can find it myself.

Perfect Defense

You've got the perfect weapon against muggers. Your face.

Dumb Excuses

Dumb excuses that will guarantee you won't be invited out again! (unless of course your married and your wife makes you go!)  I'D LOVE TO BUT......

• I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out.
• I feel a song coming on.
• I have to be on the next train to Bermuda.
• I have to bleach my hare. 
• I have too much guilt.
• I just picked up a book called "Glue in Many Lands" and I'm stuck on it.
• I never go out on days that end in "Y."
• I promised to help a friend re-fold road maps.
• I'm attending a perfume convention as guest sniffer.
• I'm having all my plants neutered.
• I'm making a home movie called "The Thing That Grew in My Refrigerator."
• I'm too old for that stuff.
• I'm too young for that stuff.
• I'm touring China with a wok band. I'm trying desperately to be less popular.
• I'm uncomfortable when I'm alone or with others.
• I'm waiting to see if I'm already a winner.
• My bathroom tiles need grouting.
• My chocolate-appreciation class meets that night.
• My mother would never let me hear the end of it.
• My yucca plant is feeling yucky.