Painful Puns

Hangover: The wrath of grapes.
Income Tax: Capital punishment.
A used car is not always what it's jacked up to be.
Two silkworms were in a race. They ended up in a tie.
To my sweetheart: My cooking's gotten better since I fondue.
A robber broke into the police station and stole all the toilet seats, and the police didn't have anything to go on.
Middle Age: When actions creak louder than words.
Egotist: One who is me-deep in conversation.
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
Did you hear about the woman who started dating rakes and fell on hard tines?
Why won't melons elope in Las Vegas? They cantaloupe.

• Q: What do Christmas and a crab on the beach have in common?
• A: They both involve sandy claws

.Archeologist: A man whose career lies in ruins.
Kleptomaniac: One who can't help himself from helping himself.
Did you hear about the snake who gave birth to a bouncing baby boa?
Once I got angry at the chef of an Italian restaurant, so I gave him a pizza my mind.
The fish secretary lodged herself in a pipe and could no longer type. Her doctor said, "This is a clear case of 'Carp in tunnel' syndrome."
A friend of mine who commutes to work everyday through the Lincoln Tunnel with a bunch of co-workers recently complained about what a pain it was. I told him that he may have a bad case of "car pool tunnel syndrome."
California smog test: Can UCLA?
The competition at a local dog show was quite "Ruff"

• Q: How did the pig with laryngitis feel?
• A: Dis-gruntled.

A Little Help

A burglar entered my house in the middle of the night. I woke up and asked him what he was doing. He said he was looking for money so I got up and searched with him.

Pitbull and PMS

Q:  What is the difference between a pitbull dog and a PMS woman?
A:  Lipstick.