Retiree @Costco

Yesterday I was at Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Winchester, the Crazy Wheaten and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had an elephant? So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete,(certified), so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I had stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. Costco won't let me shop there anymore. The world needs more humor - take care of our retirees!

A Little Old Man

There was a little old man who had a bit of a speech impediment. One day he went shopping, his first stop was at a hardware store. He went up to the shop assistant and asked "Could I have a fucket please?" The assistant asked "Pardon sir?"."Can I have a fucket please?" Replied the man. "Oh you mean a bucket!" The shop assistant replied. The old man said "Yes, that's what I said". So the man paid for his bucket and went into the antique shop. In the antique shop he went to the cashier and asked  "Can I have a cock please?" The cashier looked very puzzled and asked  "Pardon?". The man again asked "Can I have a cock please?" The cashier replied  "Oh you mean a clock! yes certainly sir." So he paid for the clock and walked out of the shop. The next stop was to the bakers. He went to the assistant and asked "Can I have a bum please?" The assistant said  "Sorry sir what did you say?". So he repeated himself  "Can I have a bum please?". The assistant said  "Oh right, you mean a bun!". The old man said  "Yes that's what I said in the first place." So the man bought a bun and walked out of the shop. As he was walking down the street a little old lady came up to him and asked  "Excuse me sir, but do you know the time?" The man replied "Yes certainly, hold my bum and fucket while I get my cock out."

Old Couple Sex Signals

There was an old couple laying in bed. The man turns and tells the woman, "If you want to have sex, pull on my dick once. If you don't want to have sex, pull on my dick one hundred times."