You Know You're Getting Older When

You Know You're Getting Older When...

• Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.
• The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
• You feel like the night after, and you haven't been anywhere.
• Your little black book contains only names ending in M.D.
• You get winded playing chess.
• Your children begin to look middle aged.
• You're still chasing women but can't remember why.
• A dripping faucet causes an uncontrollable bladder urge.
• You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.
• You look forward to a dull evening.
• You walk with your head high trying to get used to your bifocals.
• Your favorite part of the newspaper is "25 Years Ago Today..."
• You turn out the light for economic reasons rather than romantic ones.
• You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
• Your knees buckle and your belt won't.
• You regret all those mistakes resisting temptation.
• After painting the town red, you have to take a long rest before applying a second coat.
• Dialing long distance wears you out.
• You're startled the first time you are addressed as an old timer.
• You just can't stand people who are intolerant.
• You burn the midnight oil until 9 PM.
• Your back goes out more often than you do.
• Your pacemaker makes the garage door go up when you watch a pretty girl go by.
• The little grey haired lady you help across the street is your wife.
• You have too much room in the house and not enough room in the medicine cabinet.
• You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.

Gifts to Mom

Three sons left home and prospered in life. When getting back together they discussed their success and the great gifts they were able to buy their elderly mother. The first son said, "I sent mom a Mercedes." The second son said, "I bought mom a mansion." The third son smirked and said, "I've got you both BEAT! Remember how mom liked reading the Bible when we were young? And you know she can't see very well anymore?... Well, I sent her an AMAZING parrot that recites the ENTIRE Bible! It took elders in the church 12 years to teach this parrot. He's one of a kind!! Mom now just has to name the verse and BAM, the parrot recites it!" Soon after this meeting of the sons, mom sent out her thank you letters. "Andy, quot; she wrote, "the house you built is so big and even though I live in one room, I still have to clean the whole house." " John," she wrote, "I am too old to travel and spend most of my time at home, so I never use the Mercedes." "Mark," she wrote to her third son, "You are my favorite son. You have such good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was simply delicious!!"

Sobel's Eye Exam

Sobel goes into the optometrist's office. He opens the door and says to the receptionist, "I think I need my eyes checked." She says, "You're not kidding. This is the Ladies Room."