Longer Life

A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I would like to live very long. What should I do?" "I think that is a wise decision," the doctor replies. "Let's see, do you smoke?" "Oh... Half a pack a day." "Starting NOW, no more smoking." The man agrees. The doctor then asks, "Do you drink?" "Oh, well Doc, not much, just a bit of wine with my meals, and a beer or two every once in a while." "Starting now, you drink only water. No exceptions." The man is a bit upset, but also agrees. The doctor asks, "How do you eat?" "Oh, well, you know, Doc, normal stuff." "Starting now you are going on a very strict diet. You are going to eat only raw vegetables, with no dressing, and non-fat cottage cheese." The man is now really worried. "Doc, is all this really necessary?" "Do you want to live long?" "Yes." "Well then, it's absolutely necessary. And don't even think of breaking the diet." The man is quite restless, but the doctor continues, "Do you have sex?" "Yeah, once a week or so..., only with my wife!" he adds hurriedly. "As soon as you get out of here you are going to buy twin beds. No more sex for you. None." The man is appalled. "Doc... Are you sure I'm going to live longer this way?" "I have no idea, but whatever you live, I assure you it is going to seem like an eternity!"

Pulled Muscle

A couple of geezers were sitting on a bench outside the nursing home, having a little chat. "How are you, Tom?" asked Marvin. "I'm not feeling well today - utterly exhausted," Tom replied. "I pulled a muscle and it's killing me." "That pulled muscle shouldn't make you so tired, though." "Well, it does if you pull it a couple of hundred times...."

Frank's Thoughts about Life

1. Death is the number 1 killer in the world.
2. Life is sexually transmitted.
3. Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
4. Men have two emotions: hungry and horny , and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.
5. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.
6. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.
7. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
8. In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.
9. Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today might burn your ass tomorrow.
10. ? ?Don't worry about old age; it doesn't last that long.