1970 vs. 2000

1970: Long Hair - 2000: Longing for hair
1970: The perfect high. - 2000: The perfect high yield mutual fund.
1970: Keg. - 2000: EKG.
1970: Acid Rock. 2000: Acid Reflux.
1970: Moving to California because it's cool. - 2000: Moving to California because it's warm.
1970: Growing pot. - 2000: Growing pot belly.
1970: Douglas Street bridge. - 2000: Dental bridge.
1970: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents. - 2000: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your children.
1970: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor. - 2000: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
1970: Seeds and stems. - 2000: Roughage.
1970: Popping pills, smoking joints. 2000: Popping joints.
1970: Our president's struggle with Fidel. - 2000: Our president's struggle with fidelity.
1970: Paar. - 2000: AARP.
1970: Being caught with Hustler magazine. - 2000: Being caught with Hustler magazine.
1970: Killer weed. - 2000: Weed killer.
1970: Hoping for a BMW. - 2000: Hoping for a BM.
1970: The Grateful Dead. - 2000: Dr. Kevorkian.
1970: Getting out to a new, hip joint. - 2000: Getting a new hip joint.
1970: Rolling Stones. - 2000: Kidney stones.
1970: Being called into the principal's office. - 2000: Calling the principal's office.
1970: Screw the system! - 2000: Upgrade the system.
1970: Peace sign. - 2000: Mercedes logo.
1970: Parents begging you to get your hair cut. - 2000: Children begging you to get their heads shaved.
1970: Take acid. - 2000: Take antacid.
1970: Passing the driver's test. - 2000: Passing the vision test.
1970: "Whatever" - 2000: "Depends"

Grandma's Birthday

Q: What do you give an 80 year old grandma for her birthday? 
A: Mikey, he'll eat anything!

Old Women at Chase Manhattan

A little old lady goes into the Chase Manhattan Bank, and says she wants to open a savings account. The accounts person asks her how much she would like to deposit to open the account and the little old lady says, "Three million dollars." The accounts person is startled, and says, "In what form?" and the little old lady says, "Cash. I've got it here in this bag..." The accounts person looks and, sure enough, the lady has a big grocery bag just chock full of green stuff in big denominations. This is a highly unusual event, and the accounts person excuses herself to get the president of the bank to handle this one. He arrives, and escorts the little old lady to his office to handle it personally. Once in his office, he asks the little old lady where she got so much money. She says, "Gambling." "Gambling?" he says. "What sort of gambling?" "Oh, I make bets with people on all sorts of things, and I usually win. For example, I've got $100,000 right here that says that by noon tomorrow your balls will be square, and I'll even give you 4:1 odds. You got $25,000 you'd be willing to wager on that?" The bank president is shocked at this sort of thing coming from a sweet little old lady, but he didn't get to be the president of the Chase Manhattan Bank without knowing something about money. "I suppose I could come up with enough to cover that sort of wager, but I wouldn't feel right taking it from you... there's no way you can win a bet like that!" The little old lady just shook the bag, and said, "I know what I'm doing... and I can afford to lose, though I'm not going to. Is it a bet?" "Ok, have it your way," said the president, and they shook hands on it. "See you at 11:55 tomorrow morning," said the little old lady, and with that she left. Next morning at 11:55 the little old lady arrives with a younger man in a three-piece suit, and is escorted to the bank president's office. The president is a nervous wreck, though a happy one. He'd gotten almost no sleep the night before, waking every few minutes to feel his balls to check for impending squareness, but nothing happened all night. He had checked hundreds of times that morning, but still nothing; perfectly normal. When the little old lady arrived he started to relax, knowing he had won. "Come in, please have a seat! Who might this gentleman be?" said the president. "He's my lawyer. For a bet of this size I want to have a witness. Any objections?" "No, perfectly understandable," said the president. "Well, it's now noon, and I'm still unchanged, so I guess I win!" he said happily. "Not so fast!" said the little old lady. "For a hundred grand I want to verify things personally! Please drop your pants." The bank president is a bit flustered, but agrees that in her position he'd want proof as well, so he drops his pants. The little old lady goes over to him and reaches out to feel the organs in question. "Ok, you win, here's your $100,000," says the little old lady, handing over a bag of bills. As she does so, her lawyer starts banging his head against the wall and moaning. "What's wrong with him?" asks the bank president. "Oh, he's just upset. Poor loser if you ask me. You see, I had a bet for $1,000,000 with him that I would have the President of the Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls by noon today."