When to Negotiate

The banker fell overboard from a friend's sailboat. The friend grabbed a life preserver, held it up, not knowing if the banker could swim, and shouted, "Can you float alone?" "Obviously," the banker replied, "but this is a heck of a time to talk business."

S.H.I.T (Special High Intensity Traning)

MEMORANDUM
TO: All Employees
FROM: Communications Services
SUBJECT: SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
In order to assure that we continue to produce the highest quality work possible, it will be our policy to keep all employees well-trained through our Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T.). We are giving our employees more S.H.I.T. than any other office in town.
If you feel you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your supervisor. You will be placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list for special attention.
All of our supervisors are particularly qualified to see that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle at your own speed.
If you think that you have a thorough understanding of the basic S.H.I.T. program, you may wish to participate in Management Of Related Education (M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.).
If you consider yourself to be trained enough already, you may be interested in helping us train others. We can add you to our Basic Understanding Lecture List (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.).
Some of you already display aptitudes that would easily allow you to enter the Director of Intensity Program (D.I.P. S.H.I.T.). Those who do not qualify for this position but are still interested will certainly be referred to the Director Under Management Bureau (D.U.M.B. S.H.I.T.). Those individuals who do not meet the requirements of The Bureau must first complete Special Training Under Personal Individual Discretion, Special High Intensity Training (S.T.U.P.I.D. S.H.I.T.).
If you have any further questions, please address them to our Head Of Training, Special High Intensity Training (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.) program.
Thank You.
Boss in General
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
(B.I.G. S.H.I.T)
Copy to: Complete Registered Organized Computerized Knowledge Originating Firsthand; Special High Intensity Training division. (CROCK-OF-SHIT)

Company Buzz Words

New Corporate Buzz Words

• Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
• Body Nazis: Hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn't work out obsessively.
• Seagull Manager: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, and then leaves.
• Chainsaw Consultant: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.
• Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles.
• Idea Hamsters: People who always seem to have their idea generators running.
• Mouse Potato: The online, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
• Prairie Dogging: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
• SITCOMs: What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.
• Squirt the Bird: To transmit a signal to a satellite.
• Starter Marriage: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property, and no regrets.
• Stress Puppy: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
• Swiped Out: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
• Tourists: People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had three serious students in class; the rest were just tourists."
• Treeware: Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.
• Xerox Subsidy: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.
• Going Postal: Euphemism for being totally stressed out, for losing it. Makes reference to the unfortunate track record of postal employees who have snapped and gone on shooting rampages.
• Alpha Geek: The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. "Ask Larry, he's the Alpha Geek around here."
• Assmosis: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
• Chips and Salsa: Chips = hardware, Salsa = software. "Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem is in your chips or your salsa."
• Flight Risk: Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon.
• GOOD job: A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.
• Irritainment: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying, but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example.
• Percussive Maintenance: The fine art of attacking an electronic device to get it to work again.
• Uninstalled: Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voicemail of a Vice President at a downsizing computer firm: "You have reached the number of an uninstalled Vice President. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance." See also Decruitment.
• Vulcan Nerve Pinch: The taxing hand positions required to reach all the appropriate keys for commands. For instance, the warm re-boot for a Mac II computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control Key, the Command key, the Return key and the Power On key.