The Office Happenings

• Quote from a recent meeting: "We are going to continue having these meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done".
• Quote from the Boss... "I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you."
• A motivational sign at work: The beatings will continue until morale improves.
• A direct quote from the Boss: "We passed over a lot of good people to get the ones we hired."
• My Boss frequently gets lost in thought. That's because it's unfamiliar territory.
• My Boss said to me, "What you see as a glass ceiling, I see as a protective barrier."
• My Boss needs a surge protector. That way his mouth would be buffered from surprise spikes in his brain.
• I thought my Boss was an idiot, and quit, to work for myself.
• My new Boss is an idiot, too ... but at least I respect him.
• He's given automobile accident victims new hope for recovery.
• He walks, talks and performs rudimentary tasks, all without the benefit of a SPINE.
• Some people climb the ladder of success. My Boss walked under it.
• Quote from the Boss after overriding the decision of a task force he created to find a solution: "I'm sorry if I ever gave you the impression your input would have any effect on my decision for the outcome of this project!"
• HR Manager to job candidate "I see you've had no computer training. Although that qualifies you for upper management, it means you're under-qualified for our entry level positions."
• Quote from telephone inquiry "We're only hiring one summer intern this year and we won't start interviewing candidates for that position until the Boss' daughter finishes her summer classes.

Saving the Situation

After attending a party for his boss, the life of the party was nursing a king-size hangover and asked his wife, "What the hell happened?" "As usual, you made an ass of yourself in front of your boss," replied the wife. "Piss on him," answered the husband. "You did," said the wife, "and he fired you." "Well, fuck him," said the husband. "I did, and you go back to work in the morning."

The Corporate Boat Race

An American automobile company and a Japanese auto company decided to have a competitive boat race on the Detroit River. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance. On the big day, they were as ready as they could be. The Japanese team won by a mile.
Afterwards, the American team became discouraged by the loss and their morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A continuous measurable improvement team of "Executives" was set up to investigate the problem and to recommend appropriate corrective action. Their conclusion: The problem was that the Japanese team had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, whereas the American team had 1 person rowing and 8 people steering. The American Corporate Steering Committee immediately hired a consulting firm to do a study on the management structure. After some time and billions of dollars, the consulting firm concluded that "too many people were steering and not enough rowing." To prevent losing to the Japanese again next year, the management structure was changed to 4 Steering Managers, 3 Area Steering Managers, and 1 Staff Steering Manager and a new performance system for the person rowing the boat to give more incentive to work harder and become a six sigma performer. "We must give him empowerment and enrichment." That ought to do it. The next year the Japanese team won by two miles. The American Corporation laid off the rower for poor performance, sold all of the paddles, cancelled all capital investments for new equipment, halted development of a new canoe, awarded high performance awards to the consulting firm, and distributed the money saved as bonuses to the senior executives.