Universal Corporate Translator

"ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION": You'll be making under $6 an hour
"ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION IN AN UP-AND-COMING COMPANY": You're paid under $6 an hour; we'll be bankrupt in a year
"AN UP-AND-COMING SOFTWARE COMPANY": There's no chance in hell we'll be the next Microsoft
"PROFIT-SHARING PLAN": Once it's shared among the brass, you get what's left
"COMPETITIVE SALARY: "We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors
"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:" We have no time to train you. (and/or)Please introduce yourself to your co-workers. 
"NATIONALLY RECOGNIZED LEADER:" Inc. Magazine mentioned us in an article a few years ago
"IMMEDIATE OPENING:" The person who had this job gave notice a month ago. We're just now running the ad.
"SALES POSITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTER:" We can't supply you with leads; (and/or)there's no base salary to speak of; (and/or)you'll wait 30 days for your first commission check
"SELF-MOTIVATED:" Don't expect Management to answer questions
"WE OFFER GREAT BENEFITS:" After 90 days, you can join our HMO, which has a $500 deductible and a $35 co-pay.

Things You Don't Want Your System Admin To Say

1. Uh-oh...
2. Oh S***!
3. What the heck?!?
4. Go get your backup tape. (You DO have a backup tape?)
5. That's SOOOOO bizarre.
6. Wow!! Look at this...
7. Hey!! The Suns don't do this.
8. Terminated?!?
9. What software license?!?
10. Well, it's doing SOMETHING...
11. Wow...that seemed fast...
12. I got a better job at Lockheed...
13. Management says...
14. Sorry, the new equipment didn't get budgeted.
15. What do you mean that wasn't a copy?
16. It didn't do that a minute ago...
17. Where's the GUI on this thing?
18. Damn, and I just bought that Coke...
19. Where's the DIR command?
20. The drive ate the tape but that's OK, I brought my screwdriver.
21. I cleaned up the root partition and now there's LOTS of free space.
22. What's this "any" key I'm supposed to press?
23. Do you smell something?
24. What's that grinding sound?
25. I have never seen it do THAT before...
26. I don't think it should be doing that...
27. I remember the last time I saw it do that...
28. You might as well all go home early today...
29. My leave starts tomorrow.
30. Oops! (said in a quiet, almost surprised voice)
31. Hmm, maybe if I do this...
32. Why is my "rm -R *" taking so long?"
33. Hmmm, curious...
34. Well, MY files were backed up.
35. What do you mean you needed that directory?
36. What do you mean /home was on that disk? I umounted it!
37. Do you really need your home directory to do any work?
38. I didn't think anybody would be doing any work at 2am, so I killed your job.
39. Yes, I chowned all the files to belong to pvcs. Is that a problem to you?
40. We're standardizing on AIX.
41. Wonder what THIS command does?
42. What did you say your user name was?

Ex Wife Takes All

After 15 years of marriage, Kate leaves her husband Danny. Danny lost everything to his ex wife, so thinking he's going insane, he takes a little walk through the forest. As he was walking his foot hits a lamp and a genie comes out. The genie says, "I'll give u 3 wishes, BUT everything you get your wife gets two times as much." Danny wishes for a car and his wife got two times as many cars. Then he wished for a house and his wife got two houses. Then Danny asked the genie to choke him half two death.