Hidden Meaning

Energetic self-starter: You'll be working on commission.
Entry level position: We will pay you the lowest wages allowed by law.
Experience required: We do not know the first thing about any of this.
Fast learner: You will get no training from us.
Flexible work hours: You will frequently work long overtime hours.
Good organizational skills: You'll be handling the filing.
Make an investment in you future: This is a franchise or a pyramid scheme.
Management training position: You'll be a salesperson with a wide territory.
Much client contact: You handle the phone or make "cold calls" on clients.
Must have reliable transportation: You will be required to break speed limits.
Must be able to lift 50 pounds: We offer no health insurance or chiropractors.
Opportunity of a lifetime: You will not find a lower salary for so much work.
Planning and coordination: You book the bosses travel arrangements.
Quick problem solver: You will work on projects months behind schedule already.
Strong communication skills: You will write tons of documentation and letters.

Evaluating Progress

• A keen analyst: Thoroughly confused.
• Accepts new job assignments willingly: Never finishes a job.
• Active socially: Drinks heavily.
• Alert to company developments: An office gossip.
• Approaches difficult problems with logic: Finds someone else to do the job.
• Average: Not too bright.
• Bridge builder: Likes to compromise.
• Character above reproach: Still one step ahead of the law.
• Charismatic: No interest in any opinion but his own.
• Competent: Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.
• Conscientious and careful: Scared.
• Consults with co-workers often: Indecisive, confused, and clueless.
• Consults with supervisor often: Very annoying.
• Delegates responsibility effectively: Passes the buck well.
• Demonstrates qualities of leadership: Has a loud voice.
• Displays excellent intuitive judgement: Knows when to disappear.
• Displays great dexterity and agility: Dodges and evades superiors well.
• Enjoys job: Needs more to do.
• Excels in sustaining concentration but avoids confrontations: Ignores everyone.
• Excels in the effective application of skills: Makes a good cup of coffee.
• Exceptionally well qualified: Has committed no major blunders to date.
• Expresses self well: Can string two sentences together.
• Gets along extremely well with superiors and subordinates alike: A coward.
• Happy: Paid too much.
• Hard worker: Usually does it the hard way.
• Identifies major management problems: Complains a lot.
• Indifferent to instruction: Knows more than superiors.
• Internationally know: Likes to go to conferences and trade shows in Las Vegas.
• Is well informed: Knows all office gossip and where all the skeletons are kept.
• Inspires the cooperation of others: Gets everyone else to do the work.
• Is unusually loyal: Wanted by no-one else.
• Judgement is usually sound: Lucky.
• Keen sense of humor: Knows lots of dirty jokes.
• Keeps informed on business issues: Subscribes to Playboy and National Enquirer.
• Listens well: Has no ideas of his own.
• Maintains a high degree of participation: Comes to work on time.
• Maintains professional attitude: A snob.
• Meticulous in attention to detail: A nitpicker.
• Mover and shaker: Favors steamroller tactics without regard for other opinions.
• Not a desk person: Did not go to college.
• Of great value to the organization: Turns in work on time.
• Use all available resources: Takes office supplies home for personal use.
• Quick thinking: Offers plausible excuses for errors.
• Requires work-value attitudinal readjustment: Lazy and hard-headed.
• Should go far: Please.
• Slightly below average: Stupid.
• Spends extra hours on the job: Miserable home life.
• Stern disciplinarian: A real jerk.
• Straightforward: Blunt and insensitive.
• Strong adherence to principles: Stubborn.
• Tactful in dealing with superiors: Knows when to keep mouth shut.
• Takes advantage of every opportunity to progress: Buys drinks for superiors.
• Takes pride in work: Conceited.
• Unlimited potential: Will stick with us until retirement.
• Uses resources well: Delegates everything.
• Uses time effectively: Clock watcher.
• Very creative: Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work.
• Visionary: Cannot handle paperwork or any project that lasts less than a week.
• Well organized: Does too much busywork.
• Will go far: Relative of management.
• Willing to take calculated risks: Doesn't mind spending someone else's money.
• Zealous attitude: Opinionated.

Does Work Kill

People always say that hard work never killed anybody. Oh yeah? When's the last time ya ever heard of anyone who "rested to death".