Resume Bloopers

REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB: Responsibility makes me nervous. They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn't work under those conditions. Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches. I was working for my mom until she decided to move. The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers.
JOB RESPONSIBILITIES: While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility. I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award.
SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES: Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job. My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage. I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant.
PHYSICAL DISABILITIES: Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep.
PERSONAL INTERESTS: Donating blood. 14 gallons so far.
SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING: Education: College, August 1880-May 1984. Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse. Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget. I'm a rabid typist. Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation.

Jones Late Again

Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him. "What's the story this time, Jones?" he asked sarcastically. "Let's hear a good excuse for a change." Jones sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning, Boss. The wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river (look, my suit's still damp), ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Thompson's helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes." "You'll have to do better than that, Jones," said the boss, obviously disappointed. "No woman can get ready in ten minutes."

You Know You're Too Stressed If...

You know you're too stressed if

• You can achieve a "Runner's High" by sitting up.
• The Sun is too loud.
• Trees begin to chase you.
• You begin to explore the possibility of setting up an I.V. drip solution of espresso.
• You wonder if brewing is really a necessary step for the consumption of coffee.
• You can hear mimes.
• You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
• You believe that if you think hard enough, you can fly.
• Things become "Very Clear."
• You ask the drive-thru attendant if you can get your order to go.
• You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
• You begin speaking in a language that only you and Chanelers can understand.
• The less sense matter and matter is more than sense.
• You and Reality file for divorce.
• You can skip without a rope. It appears that people are speaking to you in binary code.
• You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
• You have great revelations concerning: Life, the Universe and Everything else, but can't quite find the words for them before the white glow disappears, leaving you more confused than before.
• You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
• You can travel without moving.
• Antacid tablets become your sole source of nutrition.
• You discover the aesthetic beauty of office supplies.
• Losing your mind was okay, but when the voices in your head quieted, it was like losing your best friend.
• You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.