Performance Evaluations

Quotes Taken from actual performance evaluations:

• "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."
• "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."
• "I would not allow this employee to breed."
• "This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be."
• "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
• "When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there."
• "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
• "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
• "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
• "This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better."
• "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

Who's Working?

The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leave 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government. And since we KNOW they don't do a damn thing, this leaves 19 million to do the work. Four million are in the Armed Forces (i.e. let's soak up more tax dollars while we play "Doom"), which leaves 15 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work. There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work. Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And you're sitting there reading jokes on jokerz.com. No wonder I'm tired; I'm the doing ALL of the work myself!

Reasons to Stay at Work All Night

1. Act out your version of a company takeover.
2. Find a way to change everyone's password to "chrysanthemum".
3. Around 3:20am, play connect-the-dots with lights still on in other office buildings. Keep going until you see a small woodland creature.
4. Sneaking in the boss's desk could land you an unexpected promotion.
5. Draw stick people in all the landscape pictures on the walls, and in the morning, be the first to point out "what a terrible thing that someone did this to such beautiful works of art".
6. Go into the other gender's bathroom without fear of being caught.
7. Run up and down the hallways screaming, hoping security will come so you can have someone to talk to.
8. Leave prank messages on the CEO's voice mail.
9. Finally, a chance to live out a dream and pretend to be your boss.
10. Elevator surfing!