Clarification Of Corporate Lingo

Employer's Lingo:
"COMPETITIVE SALARY" We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors."
"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED TEAM" We have no time to train you.
"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE" We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED" You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED" Some time each night and some time each weekend.
"DUTIES WILL VARY" Anyone in the office can boss you around.
"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL" We have no quality control.
"CAREER-MINDED" Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
"APPLY IN PERSON" If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.
"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE" We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE" You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST" You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS" You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS" Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.
 
Employee's Lingo:
"I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:" I've used Microsoft Office.
"I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE" I pilfer office supplies.
"MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES" I hope you don't ask me about all the 'McJobs' I've had.
"I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK" I blame others for my mistakes.
"I'M PERSONABLE" I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.
"I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL" I carry a Day-Timer.
"I AM ADAPTABLE" I've changed jobs a lot.
"I AM ON THE GO" I'm never at my desk.
"I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED" The minute I find a better job, I'm outta there.

New Vice Chairman

The boss called one of his employees into the office. "Rob," he said, "you've been with the company for a year. You started off in the post room, one week later you were promoted to a sales position, and one month after that you were promoted to district manager of the sales department. Just four short months later, you were promoted to vice- chairman. Now it's time for me to retire, and I want you to take over the company. What do you say to that?" "Thanks," said the employee. "Thanks?" the boss replied. "Is that all you can say?" "I suppose not," the employee said. "Thanks, Dad."

Executive Assistant

As the end of the day drew near, the handsome executive called his newly hired assistant into his office. "Do you know what time we quit around here?" he asked. "Sure!" the girl nervously giggled. "Whenever somebody knocks on the door."