Rips You Off Daily

Q: What has six balls and rips you off daily?
A: The lottery.

Monkey's For Sale

A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper, ''I'll have that monkey please.'' The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop, and took out a monkey. He fit a collar and leash and handed it to the customer, saying, ''That'll be $5000.'' The customer paid and walked out with his monkey. Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, ''That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did he cost so much?'' The shopkeeper answered, ''Ah, that monkey can program in 'C' very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money.'' The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. ''That one's even more expensive - $10,000! What does he do?'' ''Oh, that one's a C++ monkey; he can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff,'' said the shopkeeper. The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of his own. The price tag around his neck read $50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, ''That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does he do?'' The shopkeeper shrugged and said, ''Well, to tell you the truth, I haven't actually seen him do anything, but he says he's a SAP consultant.''

Slow September

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?" "My mother died in June," he said, "and left me $25,000." "Gee, that's tough," he replied. "Then in July," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $90,000." "Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed." "And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000." "Three close family members lost in three months? How sad." "Then this month," continued, the friend, "absolutely nothing!"