Replacing Lab Rats with Lawyers

The National Institute of Health (NIH) announced last week that they were going to start using lawyers instead of rats in their experiments. Naturally, the American Bar Association was outraged and filed suit. Yet, the NIH presented some very good reasons for the switch.

1. The lab assistants were becoming very attached to their little rats. This emotional involvement was interfering with the research being conducted. No such attachment could form for a lawyer.
2. Lawyers breed faster and are in much greater supply.
3. Lawyers are much cheaper to care for and the humanitarian societies won't jump all over you no matter what you're studying.
4. There are some things even a rat won't do.

MAFIA Valetine Card Verses

• My love for you... it came and went.
• So your feet are now in wet cement.
• I'm here To fulfill your fondest wishes, Now that your husband sleeps with the fishes.
• Lie down with me -- it's my final offa, Or you'll be lying wit' Jimmy Hoffa.
• I picked up this card from a slim selection, But that's all they offer here in witness protection.
• Be my Valentine, and we can do it execution-style.
• Cinderella got her fella, with a slipper made of glass; So please be mine, Valentine, or I'll have to whack your ass.
• Violets are blue, roses are red, I blew up your car -- So why ain't you dead?
• The day we met, my little pet, I knew with just one look, You'd bear a son, and now that's done, So shut your mouth and cook!
• Youse da greatest. Youse da best. But you're as untouchable as Elliot Ness.
• Lust is fleeting, true love lingers. Be mine always and you'll keep your fingers.
• Hope da chocolates is good, but y'know, dis ain't really what a guy's heart looks like.
• When a goon makes you die, Cuz you told him goodbye -- that's amore!

Goofy Wonderings

• Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds" fee on money they already know you don't have?
• If you get cheated by the Better Business Bureau, who do you complain to?
• In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?
• How come there aren't B batteries?
• If the post office has machines that can sort snail mail at 1000's of times per minute, then why do they give it to a little old man on a bike to deliver?
• If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
• How do you know that honesty is the best policy until you have tried some of the others?
• How do you throw away a garbage can?
• How does a thermos know if the drink should be hot or cold?
• What happens to an 18 hour bra after 18 hours?
• Why do tourists go to the tops of tall buildings and then put money into telescopes so they can see things on the ground close-up?
• Why is it that you must wait until night to call it a day?
• What if the Hokey Pokey IS what its all about?
• When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
• What happened to the first 6 "ups"?