The AOL Car

The AOL car would have a TOP speed of 40 MPH yet have a 200 MPH speedometer. The AOL car would come equipped with a NEW and fantastic 8-Track tape player. The car would often refuse to start and owners would just expect this and try again later. The windshield would have an extra dark tint to protect the driver from seeing better cars. AOL would sell the same model car year after year and claim it's the NEW model. Every now and then the brakes on the AOL car would just "lock-up" for no apparent reason. The AOL car would have a very plain body style but would have lots of pretty colors and lights. The AOL car would have only one door but it would have 5 extra seats for family members. Anyone dissatisfied could return the car but must continue to make payments for 6 months. If an AOL car owner received 3 parking tickets AOL would take the car off of them. The AOL car would have an AOL Cell phone that can only place calls to other AOL car cell phones. AOL would pass a new car law forbidding AOL car owners from driving near other car dealerships. AOL car mechanics would have no experience in car repair. Younger AOL car drivers would be able to make other peoples AOL cars stall just for fun. It would not be possible to upgrade your AOL car stereo. AOL cars would be forced to use AOL gas that cost 20% more and gave worse mileage. Anytime an AOL car owner saw another AOL car owner he would wonder, M/F/age? It would be common for AOL car owners to divorce just to marry another AOL car owner. AOL car owners would always claim to be older or younger than they really are. AOL cars would come with a steering wheel and AOL would claim no other cars have them. Every time you close the door on the AOL car it would say, "Good-Bye."

Nerds vs Jocks

An answer to the eternal question: "Is it better to be a jock or a nerd?" Michael Jordan will make over $300,000 a game: $10,000 a minute, assuming he averages about 30 minutes per game. Assuming $40 million in endorsements next year, he'll be making $178,100 a day (working or not)! Assuming he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head.If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $7.00, but he'll make $18,550 while he's there.If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it.  He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage (after the wage hike). He'll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends.If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours.If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second. He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be reimbursed $33,390 for that round. Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into his tax deferred account (401k), he will have hit the federal cap of $9500 for such accounts at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st, 1998. If you were given a tenth of a penny for every dollar he made, you'd be living comfortably at $65,000 a year. He'll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics. He'll make about $15,600 while the Boston Marathon is being run. While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant, he'll pull in about $5600. Next year, he'll make more than twice as much as all of our past presidents for all of their terms combined. Amazing isn't it?
But: Jordan will have to save 100% of his income for 270 years to have a net worth equivalent to that of Bill Gates. Nerds win!

Indian Names

A young Indian boy came back to the reservation for a family visit after his first year at college. When his dad asked him about his first year at school, he said: I'm having trouble with people making fun of me, especially my Indian name. "How did you come to give your children such odd names"? His father said: "When your brother was born, I looked out the tepee and I saw an eagle flying so I named him Little Eagle and when your sister was born, I looked out the tepee and saw a deer grazing, so I named her spotted fawn. Why do you ask, Two Dogs F*cking"?