Obessions

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy." He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny." At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."

Crowd Pleaser

An out-of-work actor applies for a job in a zoo and is given a gorilla suit. “Our gorilla died ,” says the zoo manager. “You have to fill in for him until we find a replacement.” The actor agrees, and has a great time pretending he’s a gorilla. He does all sorts of tricks and the crowd loves him. However, as time goes on the crowds tire of his antics and start paying attention to the new lion exhibit in the next cage. To win back his audience, the actor starts teasing the lion, pulling its tail through the bars, and throwing banana peel at it. One day the actor decides to do something really daring and steals the keys to the lion’s cage. He waits till the lion is asleep then creeps in its cage with a bucket of water. The zoo visitors can’t wait to see the gorilla soak the lion and a huge crowd gathers. Unfortunately the lion wakes up before the actor can get near him and starts chasing him around the cage. Fearing for his life the actor starts screaming for help. The lion jumps on him, puts a paw on his mouth, and whispers, “Shut up, you moron, you want to get us fired?”

Tampons and Cigarettes

A man walks into a pharmacy and tells the salesgirl that he's looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him to the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for tampons for your wife?" "You see, it's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling paper. So, I figure, if I have to roll my own, so does she."