Questions That Confuse Humankind

• Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out"?
• Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there....I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's butt"?
• Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
• Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
• If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
• Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
• If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
• Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
• Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
• Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
• What do you call male ballerinas?
• Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??
• If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
• If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
• If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
• If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
• Isn't Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?
• Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
• Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
• Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your ass?
• Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he can't wait to stick his head out the window into the wind?
• Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

Sin and Shame

Q: What's the difference between sin and shame?
A: It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.

Excuses

I'D LOVE TO BUT:

• I did my own thing and now I've got to undo it.
• I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
• I have to floss my pets.
• I have to go to the post office to see if I'm still wanted.
• I want to spend more time with my blender.
• I'm attending the opening of my garage door.
• I'm building a pig from a kit.
• I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling.
• I'm enrolled in aerobic scream therapy.
• I'm getting my overalls overhauled.
• .I'm going through cherry cheesecake withdrawal.
• I'm staying home to work on my mottled yogurt sculptures.
• I'm teaching my ferret to yodel.
• I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.
• I've got plans to go downtown to try on gloves.
• It's my parakeet's bowling night.
• My patent is pending.
• The nice man on television told me to say tuned.