Lifestyles of Men and Women

Women's Lifestyles Through the Ages
AGE... DRINK -

• 17: Winecoolers
• 25: White wine
• 35: Red wine
• 48: Dom Perignon
• 66: Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser

EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES -

• 17: Need to wash my hair
• 25: Need to wash and condition my hair
• 35: Need to color my hair
• 48: Need to have Francois color my hair
• 66: Need to have Francois color my wig

FAVORITE SPORT -

• 17: shopping
• 25: shopping
• 35: shopping
• 48: shopping
• 66: shopping

FAVORITE DRUG -

• 17: shopping
• 25: shopping
• 35: shopping
• 48: shopping
• 66: shopping

DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE -

• 17: "Burger King"
• 25: "Free meal"
• 35: "A diamond"
• 48: "A bigger diamond"
• 66: "Home Alone"

FAVORITE FANTASY -

• 17: tall, dark and handsome
• 25: tall, dark and handsome with money
• 35: tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
• 48: a man with hair
• 66: a man

HOUSE PET -

• 17: Muffy the cat
• 25: Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat
• 35: Irish setter and Muffy the Cat
• 48: Children from his first marriage and Muffy theCat
• 66: Retired husband who dabbles in taxidermy and stuffs Muffy the Cat

WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?

• 17: 17
• 25: 25
• 35: 35
• 48: 48
• 66: 66

IDEAL DATE -

• 17: He offers to pay
• 25: He pays
• 35: He cooks breakfast the next morning
• 48: He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
• 66: He can chew breakfast

 
Men's Lifestyles Through the Ages
DRINK -

• 17: Beer
• 25: Beer
• 35: Scotch
• 48: Double scotch
• 66: Maalox

SEDUCTION LINE -

• 17: My parents are away for the weekend.
• 25: My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
• 35: My fiancee is away for the weekend.
• 48: My wife is away for the weekend.
• 66: My second wife is dead.

FAVORITE SPORT -

• 17: Sex
• 25: Sex
• 35: Sex
• 48: Sex
• 66: Napping

FAVORITE DRUG -

• 17: Pot
• 25: Cocaine
• 35: Really good cocaine
• 48: Power
• 66: Advil

DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE -

• 17: Cop a feel
• 25: Breakfast
• 35: She didn't set back my therapy
• 48: I didn't bump into her kids.
• 66: An actual erection

FAVORITE FANTASY -

• 17: Thirdbase
• 25: Airplane sex
• 35: Menage a trois
• 48: Taking her company public
• 66: Swiss maid and/or Nazi love slave

HOUSE PET -

• 17: Roaches (to be burned later)
• 25: Old college roommate
• 35: Irish setter
• 48: Children from her first marriage
• 66: Barbi

THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED -

• 17: 25
• 25: 35
• 35: 48
• 48: 66
• 66: 17

IDEAL DATE -

• 17: Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in
• 25: Split the check before we go back to my place
• 35: Just come over
• 48: Just come over and cook
• 66: Sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas to see Frank

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• A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.
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• For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
• For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, pottie chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.
• Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
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• We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
• No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.
• For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.
• Great Dames for sale.
• Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
• Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
• 20 dozen bottles of excellent Old Tawny Port, sold to pay for charges, the owner having lost sight of, and bottled by us last year.
• Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.•Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
• If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin.
• Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.
• The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities.
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• Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
• Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.
• Stock up and save. Limit: one.
• Save regularly in our bank. You'll never regret it.
• We build bodies that last a lifetime. Offer expires December 31 or while supplies last.
• This is the model home for your future. It was panned by Better Homes and Gardens.
• For Sale--Diamonds $20; microscopes $15.
• For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
• Man, honest. Will take anything.
• Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required.
• Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.
• Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
• Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
• Christmans tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
• Modular Sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play.
• Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.
• Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
• 3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.
• Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
• Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
• Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
• See ladies blouses. 50% off!
• Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business, and be willing to get hands dirty.
• Illiterate? Write today for free help.
• Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
• Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
• Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
• Mother's helper--peasant working conditions.
• Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
• And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
• We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.

New Year Nerd Resolutions

NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO KEEP IF YOU'RE A NERD
6. I resolve... I resolve to... I resolve to, uh... I resolve to, uh, get my, er... I resolve to, uh, get my, er, off-line work done, too!
5. I will not buy magazines with AOL disks bound in just to get another 1.44MB disk.
4. When I subscribe to a newsgroup or mailing list, I will read all the mail I get from it.
3. I will stop using, "So, what's your URL?" as a pickup line.
2. No more downloads from alt.binaries.*
1. I will limit my top ten lists to ten items.