New Year Nerd Resolutions

NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO KEEP IF YOU'RE A NERD
6. I resolve... I resolve to... I resolve to, uh... I resolve to, uh, get my, er... I resolve to, uh, get my, er, off-line work done, too!
5. I will not buy magazines with AOL disks bound in just to get another 1.44MB disk.
4. When I subscribe to a newsgroup or mailing list, I will read all the mail I get from it.
3. I will stop using, "So, what's your URL?" as a pickup line.
2. No more downloads from alt.binaries.*
1. I will limit my top ten lists to ten items.

Economic Pressures

Faced with economic pressures, many commercial offices are cutting back on costs wherever possible, in an attempt to remain profitable. At one particular office, employees are taking management's belt-tightening orders seriously: "I'm taking home only half the office supplies I used to", one staffer notes.

Priest Retirement

A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 35 years in the parish. A leading local figure and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.
"Thank Goodness we Catholics have a wonderful sense of humor! I got my first impression of this parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place.  The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and when questioned by the police was able to lie his way out of it. He also stole money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife,  had sex with his boss's 17 year old daughter on numerous occasions, taken illegal drugs, had several homosexual affairs, was
 arrested several times for public nudity and gave VD to his sister-in-law.  I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things. But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."
Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late.  He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:
"I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived," said the politician.  "In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession."