Job Interview No-No!

If ya really want that new job, you may want to avoid saying these:

• "You could do worse."
• "I'll work so hard you won't even know I'm there."
• "I'll need all my paid vacation time up front so I'll be rested when I start."
• "You can't turn me down because I smell bad. You have to have a reason."
• "If you call the people I listed as references, please call my parole officer last."
• "That big thing growing on my face isn't my fault."
• "I don't do drugs at work any more. And I probably won't"
• "I can go all day without peeing once."
• "If you hired my dumbass brother then you can surely hire me."
• "If you hire me I promise not to say anything about the your wicked bad breath."
• "I won't sue you when you fire me."
• "My arrest record is all a bunch of lies."
• "If you kin reed my handriting, ain't that gud enuff fer me to get the job?”
• "I was a sniper in the Army."
• "The only reason my grades in High School was so bad was because all the teachers thought I was stupid because I didn't pass the tests. They wasn't being fair to me because they don't like me."
• "I can make explosives from Windex, white-out, and copy machine toner."
• "If you hire me you can blow your nose on my sleeve any time you want to."
• "I'll need a company car and a driver because I can't legally drive anywhere in the Western Hemisphere except Cuba and it sucks to go there."
• "If you hire me don't tell the Welfare until I get my Jeep paid off."
• "The sticky stuff on my sleeve isn't what you think."
• "You don't have the BALLS to hire someone like me!"
• "If you hire me I will show up. That's all I can promise for sure, but maybe it will be better than that and I will sure try."
• "When do we eat?" "How long do I have to work here before I can collect unemployment again?"
• "Don't go checking into my record, but if you do, she swore she was18."
• "I don't hear the voices anymore. Do not. Do not. Do not. SHUT UP!!!"
• "If you give me a job you're OK but if you don't you suck."
• "I don't DO applications."
• "If I work here I'll wear the stupid uniform as long as I can wear any kind of underwear I want."
• "This will be my first job since the Beatles broke up because they really pissed me off!"
• "I won't have to do anything, will I"
• "If I get sick on the job, will I have to clean up my own puke?"
• "Can I bring my goat to the company daycare center?"
• "I collect guns. You probably want to tell me that I got the job now, right?"
• "I'm not what? Oh yeah? Well here's what you can do with your friggin' job..."

Those Who Don't Know

The world is divided into two groups. There are those who know, and those who don't know. Those who know are no problem.
Those who don't know are also in two groups. One is those who don't know and know they don't know. Well, they can learn!
But then, there are those who don't know, and don't know they don't know. And they become unit managers!

Her New Job

A very modest lady applied for a job at the factory where they made "Tickle me Elmo" dolls.. It was Friday and almost quitting time and hurriedly the boss told her to report for work on Monday. He quickly explained to her that she would be stationed on the assembly line just before the dolls were packed into boxes. On Monday they started up the line and within twenty minutes had to shut it down because one worker couldn't keep up. The boss went down the line to find the problem. The new employee was very busy trying to do her part but she had a bunch of dolls waiting for her. Closer examination showed that she was sewing little cloth bags containing two walnuts in the appropriate place on the dolls. The boss could not control his laughter and said, "Lady, I said to give each doll Two----Test----Tickles."