Father's Professions

On the first day of school in Houston, a teacher decided to get to know the kids by asking them their names and what their fathers did for a living. The first little girl said: "My name is Mary and my daddy is a postman." The next little boy said: "I'm Andy and my dad is a mechanic." Then another little boy said: "My name is Jimmy and my father is a striptease dancer in a cabaret for gay men." The teacher gasped and quickly changed the subject, but later in the schoolyard the teacher approached Jimmy privately and asked if it was really true that his dad danced nude in a gay bar. The kid blushed and said, "I'm sorry, but my dad is an auditor for Arthur Andersen and I was just too embarrassed to say so."

Irish Heaven

I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven. I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?" "NO!" the children answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the grass, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?" Again, the answer was "NO!"
"If I gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?" Again, they all answered, "NO!"
I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued, "Then how can I get into heaven?"
A little boy shouted out, "YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN' DEAD."

Biggest Liar

Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room. The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?" One boy answers, "We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie." "You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was!" The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.