Moms' ABCs

A - ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
B - BATHROOM: A room used by the entire family, believed by all except Mom to be self-cleaning.
C - COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
D - DATE: Infrequent outings with Dad where Mom can enjoy worrying about the kids in a different setting.
E - EMPTY NEST: See "WISHFUL THINKING."
F - FABLE: A story told by a teenager arriving home after curfew.
G - GUM: Adhesive for the hair.
H - HINDSIGHT: What Mom experiences from changing too many diapers.
I - INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
J - JUNK: Dad's stuff.
K - KISS: Mom's medicine.
L - LEMONADE STAND: Complicated business venture where Mom buys powdered mix, sugar, lemons, and paper cups, and sets up a table, chairs, pitchers and ice for kids who sit there for three to six minutes and next a profit of 15 cents.
M - MAYBE: No.
N - NAIL POLISH: part of an assortment of make-up items such as lipstick, eyeliner, blush etc. which ironically make Mom look better while making her young daughter look "like a tramp."
O - OVERSTUFFED RECLINER: Mom's nickname for Dad.
P - PANIC: What a mother goes through when the darn wind-up swing stops.
Q - QUIET: A state of household serenity which occurs before the birth of the first child and occurs again after the last child has left for college.
R - REFRIGERATOR: Combination art gallery and air-conditioner for the kitchen.
S - SPOILED: What the kids become after as little as 15 minutes with Grandma.
T - TOWELS: See "FLOOR COVERINGS".
U - UNDERWEAR: An article of clothing, the cleanliness of which ensures the wearer will never have an accident.
V - VACATION: Where you take the family to get away from it all, only to find it there, too.
W - WALLS: Complete set of drawing paper for kids that comes with every room.
X - XOXOXO: Mom salutation guaranteed to make the already embarrassing note in a kid's lunch box even more mortifying.
Y - "YIPPEE!": What mother's shout the first day of school.
Z - ZUCCHINI: Vegetable which can be baked, boiled, fried or steamed and kids still refuse to eat it.

Kids In The...

Q: What do you call someone who fucks kids in the ass?
A: A backdoor pedophile!

Watermelons

A farmer in the country has a watermelon patch and upon inspection he discovers that some of the local kids have been helping themselves to a feast. The farmer thinks of ways to discourage this profit-eating situation. So he puts up a sign that reads: "WARNING! ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS CONTAINS CYANIDE!" He smiled smugly as he watched the kids run off the next night without eating any of his melons. The farmer returns to the watermelon patch a week later to discover that none of the watermelons have been eaten, but finds another sign that reads: "NOW THERE ARE TWO!"