I Get No Respect Part 2

• I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
• My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
• I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.
• Once when I was lost.. I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said "I don't know kid.. there are so many places they can hide."
• I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor. They sent a priest up to talk to me. He said "On your mark..."
• On Halloween parents send their kids out looking like me. Last year one kid tried to rip my face off! Now it's different when I answer the door the kids hand me candy.
• I had a lot of pimples when I was younger. One day I fell asleep in a library; I woke up and a blind man was reading my face.
• My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

The Hog

There is a drunk guy in a bar and a big, fat woman with a parrot on her shoulder. She sits by the drunk guy and he looks over at her and says, "Where'd you get that hog?" She looks at him and frowns. He takes a few more drinks, then he says, "Where'd you get that hog?" She looks and says, "I'll have you know, this is not a hog, this is a parrot!" The dude says, "Well I'll have you know, I was talking to the hog."

Stupid Insults

• One node short of a network.
• One of the early failures of electroshock therapy.
• One pane short of a window.
• One pearl short of a necklace.
• One prayer short of absolution.
• One press short of a CAPS LOCK key.
• One punch/swing/hit short of a fight.
• One sentence short of a paragraph.
• One shade short of a rainbow.
• One shingle shy of a roof, and the water's getting in.
• One ship short of a full fleet.
• One side short of a pentagon.
• One signature short of a book.
• One sleeve/button short of a shirt.
• One snowflake short of a ski slope.
• One song short of a musical.
• One span short of a bridge.
• One step short of the attic.
• One strawberry short of a quart.
• One strike past being called out.
• One sub short of a party platter.
• One taco/enchilada short of a combination plate.
• One teabag short of a pot.
• One tower short of a castle.
• One tree short of a hammock.
• One vine short of the tree. (For Tarzan types.)
• One weight short of a shipwreck.
• Only one oar in the water.
• Only playing with 51 cards.
• Only playing with the jokers