The Twelve Days After Christmas

The first day after Christmas, My true love and I had a fight, And so I chopped the pear tree down And burnt it, just for spite. Then with a single cartridge, I shot that blasted partridge My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me. The second day after Christmas, I pulled on the old rubber gloves, And very gently wrung the necks Of both the turtle doves My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me. On the third day after Christmas, My mother caught the croup, I had to use the three French hens To make some chicken soup The four calling birds were a big mistake For their language was obscene, The five golden rings were completely fake and turned my fingers green. The sixth day after Christmas, The six laying geese wouldn't lay, So I sent the whole darn gaggle to the A.S.P.C.A. My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me. On the seventh day, what a mess I found The seven swans-a-swimming all had drowned. The eighth day after Christmas, Before they could suspect, I bundled up the Eight maids-a-milking Nine ladies dancing Ten lords-a-leaping Eleven pipers piping Twelve drummers drumming, And sent them back collect. I wrote my true love "We are through, love!" And I said in so many words "Furthermore your Christmas gifts were for the Birds!" Four calling birds, Three French hens, Two turtle doves And a partridge in a pear tree!"

Top 10 Reasons Why Hurricane Season is Like Christmas

Top Ten Reasons Hurricane Season is Like Christmas
10. Decorating the house (boarding up windows)
9. Dragging out boxes that haven't been used since last season (camping gear, flashlights)
8. Last minute shopping in crowded stores
7. Regular TV shows pre-empted for "specials"
6. Family coming to stay with you
5. Family and friends from out-of-state calling
4. Buying food you don't normally buy ... and in large quantities
3. Days off from work
2. Candles
 
And the number one reason Hurricane Season is like Christmas...
1. At some point you know you're going to have a tree in your house!

Santa Can't Be A Man

• Men can't pack a bag.
• Men wouldn't be caught dead wearing red velvet.
• Men would feel their masculinity is threatened... having to be seen with all those elves.
• Men don't answer their mail.
• Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described, even in jest, as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
• Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
• Having to do the "Ho, Ho, Ho," thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.
• Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.