The Night Before Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat.  The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat.
The doors were all bolted, the phone off the hook, it was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.
Momma in her teddy and I in the nude, had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube.
When out on the lawn there arose such a cry, that I lost my boner, and momma went dry.
Up to the window I sprang like an elf, tore back the shade while she played with herself.
The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built, showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear, but a rusty old sleigh and eight mangey reindeer.
With a fat little driver, half out of the sled, a sock in his ear and a bra on his head.
Sure as I'm speaking, he was high as a kite, and he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right.
Woa Shithead, woa Asshole, woa Stupid, woa Putz, either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts.
Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree, Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee.
They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub, just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.
And then from the roof we heard such a clatter, as each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.
I was donning my jockies, to cover my ass, when down the chimney Santa came with a crash.
His suit was all smelly with perfume galore, he looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.
"That was some brothel," he said with a smile, "The reindeer are pooped, and I'll just stay awhile"
He walked to the kitchen for himself poured a drink, then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.
I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee, the old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.
Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack, but his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.
The first thing he found was a pair of false tits, the next was a handgun with a penis that spits.
A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find, and six pair of panties, the edible kind.
A bra without nipples, a penis extension, And several more things I shouldn't even mention.
A fuck ring, a G-string, and all types of oil, and a dildo so long that it lay in a coil.
"This stuff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit, so I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split."
He filled every stocking and then took his leave, with one tiny butt plug stuck under his sleeve.
He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead,thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.I
n time he was seated, took reigns of his hitch, saying, "Take me home, Rudolf. This night's been a bitch!"
The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout, "The best thing about pussy is you can't wear it out!!"

Santa Claws

Q: Who brings Christmas presents for cats?
A: Santa Claws!

Military Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the skies, Air defenses were up, with electronic eyes. Combat pilots were nestled in ready-room beds, As enemy silhouettes danced in their heads. Every jet on the apron, each SAM in its tube, Was triply-redundant, linked to the Blue Cube, And ELINT and AWACS gave coverage so dense, That nothing that flew could slip through our defense. When out of the klaxon arose such a clatter, I dashed to the screen to see what was the matter; I increased the gain and then, quick as a flash, Fine-adjusted the filters to damp out the hash. And there found the source of the warning we'd heeded: An incoming blip, by eight escorts preceded. "Alert status red!" went the word down the wire, As we gave every system the codes that meant "FIRE!" On Aegis! Up Patriot, Phalanx and Hawk, And scramble our fighters -- let's send the whole flock. Launch decoys and missiles, use chaff by the yard! Get the kitchen sink up! Call the National Guard! They turned toward the target, moved toward it, converged. Till the tracks on the radar all finally merged, And the sky was lit up with a demonic light, As the foe met his fate in the high arctic night. So we sent out some recon to look for debris, Yet all that they found, both on land and on sea, Were some toys, a red hat, a charred left leather boot, Broken sleigh bells, white hair, and a deer's parachute. Now it isn't quite Christmas, with Saint Nick shot down. There are unhappy kids in each village and town. For the Spirit of Christmas can't hope to evade, All the web of defenses we've carefully made. But a crash program's on: Working hard, night and day, All the elves are constructing a radar-proof sleigh. So let's wait for next Christmas, in cheer and in health, For the future has hope: Santa's coming by stealth!