Deep Thoughts Pt. 2

• Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
• If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to say, "I swallowed it. So sue me."
• I bet the one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye.
• I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every morning and nailing a fresh load of tadpoles to the old board of his. Then he'd spin it round and round, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter where it stopped he'd yell out, "Tadpoles! Tadpoles is a winner!" We all thought he was crazy. But then we had some growing up to do.
• When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.
• If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
• What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never know.
• We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me. 

Barbie And Paris

Q: What do Barbie and Paris Hilton have in common?
A: Both are blonde, brainless and made out of plastic.

Wizard Toothpaste

Q: What happened to the wizard who brushed his teeth with gunpowder?
A: He kept shooting his mouth off!