Alexa Reminders

Me: Alexa, remind me to go to the gym
Alexa: I will add gin to your shopping list
Me: Close enough

Coffee Break

A pastor had a practice of leaving his pulpit for a brief time during the morning service. While one of his staff made the announcements, he went to tell a Bible story to the children in children's church. One new member didn't understand and said to him, "You're the first preacher I ever saw who takes a coffee break during the service."

Robert Schmidt

• I saw a want ad. Light housekeeping. They said, "Here, change this bulb". I said, "I'll need some friends".
• I moved into an all electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open.
• I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.
• I went to a garage sale. "How much for the garage?" "It's not for sale."
• You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.
• You know how it is when you decide to lie and say the check is in the mail, and then you remember it really is? I'm like that all the time.
• I went over to the neighbor's and asked to borrow a cup of salt. "What are you making?" "A salt lick."
• There aren't enough days in the weekend.
• My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors. The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper. Sally plays strip poker. Whenever she loses, she has to put something on.