Top Ten Things You Should Never Do

10) Your mom.
9) Piss in the wind.
8) Spit straight up.
7) "No, officer, we haven't been drinking..."
6) Swallow.
5) Drop the soap.
4) Eat it if it smells.
3) Get drunk at a gay bar.
2) Play leapfrog with a unicorn.
1) Use Elmers' glue for a lubricant.

Use as Directed

Q: What happened when the guy used hairspray on his moustache?
A: He got a stiff upper-lip.

Top Ten Most Violent Upcoming Movies

10. "Erin Brockovich Gets Her Face Chewed Off by Rats"
9. "Mary Poppins A Cap In Your Ass"
8. "Bitch-Slapping Miss Daisy"
7. "How Stella Got Her Groove Back 2: Whoopi Goldberg's Bikini Wax"
6. "Peyote Ugly"
5. "Circumcision: The Purification Begins"
4. "Thou Hast Deflowered My Daughter: An Amish Ass-kickin'"
3. "Field of Limbs"
2. "Terminal Velocity 2" starring Christopher Reeve
1. "How the Grinch Stole My Urethra"