Louvre in Dire Straits

Due to the flooding from the Seine River, The Louvre museum in Paris is scrambling to donate French Impressionist and Eastern European artwork to any museum that can keep them dry.
Museums that have agreed to take the artwork are very excited since they're getting Monet for nothing and Czechs for free.

Lunatic Escape Headline

A lunatic seduced the laundry woman to get her keys, and promptly escaped from the asylum.
Next day, the headlines read Nut Screws Washer and Bolts!

The Birthday Study

It is proven that the celebration of birthdays is healthy. Statistics show that those people who celebrate the most birthdays become the oldest. -- S. den Hartog, Ph D. Thesis University of Groningen.