Real Advertisements 3

Supposedly, these are actual advertisements that have appeared in papers across the country.

• Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
• Sheer stockings: Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else. Stock up and save. Limit: one. We build bodies that last a lifetime.
• For Rent: 6-room hated apartment. Man, honest. Will take anything.
• Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required. Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
• UsedCars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!

Signs and Notices 05

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.

• Outside a country shop: "We buy junk and sell antiques."
• In the window of an Oregon store: "Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?"
• In a Maine restaurant: "Open 7 days a week and weekends."
• In the vestry of a New England church: "Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished."
• In a Pennsylvania cemetery: "Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves."
• On a roller coaster: "Watch your head."
• On the grounds of a public school: "No trespassing without permission."
• On a Tennessee highway: "When this sign is under water, this road is impassable."
• In front of a New Hampshire car wash: "If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car."

Fortune Cookie Mistake

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.
On Saturday last, I had dinner at a local Chinese restaurant. My fortune read: "You will gain admiration from your pears." Comice? Bartlett? Canned? I don't grow or eat them, anyway.