Dr. Phil Says Inner Peace

By following the simple advice I heard on a Dr. Phil Show, I have finally found inner peace. Dr. Phil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I started and hadn't finished;
and, before leaving the house this morning I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a package of Oreo's, a pot of coffee, the rest of the Cheesecake, some Saltines and a box of Godiva Chocolates. Dr. Phil was right... you have no idea how I feel right now!

Roast Beef And Pea Soup

Q: What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
A: Anyone can roast beef.

Redneck Half-Shell

Q: Why did God invent armadillos?
A: So that rednecks can have 'possum on the half-shell.