Athletes Foot

Q: If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get?
A: Mistletoe!

Delivering Bad News

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."

Types of Farts

ART FART = it's such a beauty you want to immortalize it on canvas.
ARROGANT FART = When you think your farts don't stink.
ASSUALT FART = A sudden attack that shoots virtual flames out your arse.
TIRE FART = You can't control the blow out.
BEER FARTS = These come out of every 'can' and smell like warm beer.
JAIL FART = Been doing time inside you for quite awhile, and finally makes its great escape.
DONKEY FART = Your ass is the only one that can do it.
GHOST FART = You can't hear it, you can't see it, and you can't smell it.
HOME ALONE FART = When you're home alone and a great one is wasted on no one.
SHOE FART = When you bend over to tie your shoe laces and one escapes.
TANK FART = When you refer to your farts as 'gas'.
OLD FART = You know how old it is by how bad it smells.
BRAIN FART = You need to fart, but nothing comes out.
ALZHEIMER FART = A confused fart that heads the wrong way, and becomes a burp.
NOT-ME FART = When you drop a bomb in a crowded elevator, turn around to the person behind you and give a disgusted look and whisper "PIG!"
U.F.O. FART = When someone farts in crowded room, label it as a "Unidentified Foul Odor".