New Rules!

Dear Employee:
As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel. Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately. This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company. SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management. This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination). Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate. If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get: HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment). As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company. Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our, Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). We take pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the SHIT you can stand. And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us.

Sage Medical Advice

Q: What two pills should you NEVER take together?
A: Sleeping pill and a laxative.

The Bad Drugstore Salesman

John was a clerk in a small drugstore, but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted.  Bob, the owner, had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last.  Just then a man came in coughing and asked John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering Bob's warning he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once.  The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post.  Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired.  "He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup so I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once," John explained.  "Ex-Lax won't cure a cough!" Bob shouted angrily.  "Sure it will," John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post.  "Just look at him.  He's afraid to cough!"