A Alternative For The Bathtub

What do you do if someone's having a seizure in a bathtub? Throw in a load of laundry.

Comedic Hawking

Q: Why does Stephen Hawking do one-liners?
A: Because he can't do stand up.

Where Are The Fingers?

Jon's working at the lumberyard, pushing a tree through the buzz saw, and accidentally shears off all ten of his fingers. He goes to the emergency room. The doctor says, "Yuck! Well, give me the fingers, and I'll see what I can do." Jon says, "I haven't got the fingers." The doctor says, "What do you mean, you haven't got the fingers? It's 1998. We've got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put them back on and made you like new. Why didn't you bring the fingers?" Jon says, "Well, shit, Doc, I couldn't pick 'em up."