Jumping the Gun

I went to a crematorium to plan my wife's funeral, but apparently she has to be dead first.

In the ravine.

One day, Jim and Bob are out golfing. Jim slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 8-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball. The brush is quite thick, but Jim searches diligently and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball. Jim calls out to his golfing partner in excitement, "Hey Bob, come here, I got trouble down here." Bob comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out, "What's the matter Jim?" Jim shouts back in a nervous voice, "Throw me my 7-iron. You can't get out of here with an 8-iron!"

Grandma's Strudel

An old man is lying on his deathbed with all his children, grandchildren and his older great-grandchildren all around, teary-eyed at the approaching finale of a very long and productive life. The old man in is a terminal coma, and the doctors have confirmed that the waiting will be over within the next twenty-four hours.
Suddenly, the old man opens his eyes and croaks, "I must be dreaming of heaven. I smell your grandmother's strudel."
"No, grandfather, you are not dreaming. Grandmother is baking strudel now."
"I know I will never have another taste of her delicious strudel after this one. Could you please go down and get me a sliver?" the old man begs with what is left of his final breath.
One of the grandchildren is immediately dispatched to honor the old man's last request. After a long time, he returns empty-handed. "Did you bring me one last piece of your grandmother's delicious strudel?" the old man plaintively queries.
"I'm very sorry, grandfather, she says you can't have any, it's for the funeral!"