Implications

A married man goes to confessional and tells the priest, "I had an affair with a woman - almost." The priest says, "What do you mean, 'almost'?" The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped." The priest replies, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to go near that woman again. Now, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box." The man leaves confessional, goes over and says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave. The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to him and says, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!" The man replied, "Well, Father, I rubbed up against it and you said it was the same as putting it in!"

Batman at Church

Q: What do you call it when Batman skips Church?
A: Christian Bale

Confession

This fellow comes to confession. "Father, he said, forgive me for I have sinned. "The priest asked, "What did you do, my son?"  "I lusted," the fellow replied. "Tell me about it," the priest said.  The fellow then related his story.
"Father, I am a delivery man for UPS. Yesterday I was making a delivery in the affluent section of the city. When I rang the bell, the door opened and there stood the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. She had long blonde hair and eyes like emeralds. She was dressed in a sheer dressing gown that showed her perfect figure. And, she asked if I would like to come in."  "And, what did you do, my son?" asked the priest.  "Father, I did not go in the house but I lusted. Oh, how I lusted," replied the man.
"Your sin has been forgiven," replied the priest. "You will get your reward in heaven, my son."  "A reward, father? What do you think my reward might be?", the fellow asked.  The priest replied, "I think a bale of hay would be appropriate, you jackass."