Alien Imports

An alien walked into a bar and sat down next to a burly-looking construction worker. He ordered a tequila, then turned to the construction worker, poked him in the arm and said, ''Mommy!'' The man shuddered and said, ''Man, get off me!'' But the alien just looked at him, poked him again, and said, ''Mommy!'' The man got up and left the bar, muttering about the damn alien imports. The alien sighed, turned to the bartender and asked for a copy of the Chicago Times. The bartender gave it to him, and to his surprise, the alien started reading it with his dick! ''Man!'' said the bartender, ''If you read with your dick, then how in the hell do you have sex?'' The alien smiled, poked him in the arm and said ''Mommy!''

Bar Visit

Q: What did the man say when he walked into a bar?
A: OUCH!

Free Drinks for Everyone

One night, a drunk comes stumbling into a bar and says to the bartender: "Drinks for all on me including you, bartender." So the bartender follows the mans orders and says: "That will be $36.50 please." The drunk says he has no money so the bartender slaps him around and throws him out. The next night the same drunk comes in again and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again the bartender follows instructions and again the drunk says he has no money. So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out. On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for all except the bartender. "What, no drink for me?" replies the bartender. "Oh, no. You get violent when you drink."