Top Signs You're an Alcoholic

1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
2. You have to hold on to the lawn to keep from falling off the Earth.
3. Your job starts to interfere with your drinking.
4. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
5. You fall off the floor.
6. That damn pink elephant followed you home again.
7. You have a reserved parking space at the liquor store.
8. Your career won't progress beyond Senator of Massachusetts.

SOTALLY TOBER

starkle starkle little twink who the hell you are I think I'm not under what you call the alcofluence of incohol I'm just a little slort of sheep I'm not drunk like tinkle peepI don't know who is me yet but the drunker I stand here the longer I get Just give me one more drink to fill me cup 'cuz I got all day sober to Sunday up.

What Time Does the Bar Open?

At 3 AM a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens."It opens at noon", answers the clerk.  About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker.  "What time does the bar open?" he asks.  "Same time as before... Noon." replies the clerk.  Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered, "Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?"  The clerk then answers, "It opens at noon, but if you can't wait, I can have room service send something up to you.""No... I don't wanna git in... Ah wanna git OUT!!!"