Be Kind

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over.
Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. "Hi there." slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push??"
"No, get lost, it's half past three. I was in bed." says the man and slams the door.
He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter, and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"
"But the guy was drunk." says the husband.
"It doesn't matter." says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the right thing to do."
So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?"
He hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."
Still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"
And the stranger replies,"I'm over here… on your swing."

Hey Bartender

A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says... Five beers please.

Little Bastard

Guy walks into the bar, goes up to the bartender. Reaching into his pants pocket, he pulls out a hundred dollar bill. "Set up everybody in the place!" he shouts. The bartender obliges. Suddenly, a little man jumps out of the guy's pocket, runs down the bar, and kicks all of the drinks, smokes, change, etc on the floor. He runs back and jumps back into the guy's pocket. The Bartender asks what's going on. The guy just reaches back into his pants pocket, pulls out another hundred, and says "just set everybody up again." Bartender obliges once more, suspiciously watching the guy. Once more the little man appears from the guy's shirt pocket. Runs down the bar, breaks the glasses, pitches the napkins into the air, etc. Runs back and jumps into the shirt pocket again. This time the guy buttons the pocket. Bartender says, "explain yourself, or leave." Guy says, "Well... I was walking down the beach one day, and ran across a bottle in the sand. Turns out there is a Genie in the bottle. Gave me 3 wishes! So my first wish was to never run out of cash again. Now every time I reach into my pants pocket there is a hundred dollar bill! Second wish was to never be lonely again. Went back to my apartment and there waiting for me were 3 of the most beautiful supermodels you have ever seen, all willing to do whatever I desired from them!" "Third wish... I wished for a 6 inch prick, and THIS IS THE LITTLE BASTARD I GOT!!!"