Signs You've Had Too Much Holiday Cheer

1. You strike a match and light your nose.
2. You take off your shoes and wade in the potato salad.
3. You hear a duck quacking and it's you.
4. You tell your best joke to the rubber plant.
5. You refill your glass from the fish bowl.
6. You hear someone say, "Call a priest!"
7. You start kissing the portraits on the wall.
8. You complain about the small bathroom after emerging from the closet.
9. You ask for another ice cube and put it in your pocket.
10. You tell everyone you have to go home... and the party's at your place.
11. You have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off.
12. You pick up a roll, and butter your watch.
13. You yawn at the biggest bore in the room... and realize you're in front of the hall mirror.
14. You take out your handkerchief and blow your ear.
15. You suggest everyone stand and sing the national budget.

Radical Muslim in a Bar

A radical Muslim cleric walks into a bar. The bartender says, "What'll it be?" The cleric responds, "A gruesome puddle of your filthy infidel blood!"

Al's Beer Ordering

Joe walks into a bar. Joe's friend, Al, sits down next to him. Joe tells the bartender, "I'll take a large beer." The bartender says, "Do you want dry beer with no aftertaste, or brewed beer with aftertaste?" Joe thinks about this for a minute. "Ah, give me the brewed." So the bartender gives it to him and he chugs it. "No, no," says Al, "Think manly! I'll have a dry beer." The bartender goes to fix it. "Why the dry?" Joe asks. "Well," says Al, "that way you can have one sip, and since it has no aftertaste, you can keep on drinking and forget you just had one!"